It’s less ‘follow the money” and more “chase the missing decimal points.’ Unlike before it has not been given a Setswana name like the previous ones such as the Kgabo Commission. It is simply: the forensic audit. I think this is meant to make it have the right level of menace and this is probably a very smart move. Anything that is given a local name is never taken seriously so the president has pulled a masterstroke. Commissions with local names and headed by locals have been accused of not having the dental hardware to chew through a marshmallow even if they tried. In reality, forensic audits are serious business, but the absurdity of some of the excuses people come up with? Priceless. What do you think—is this audit going to uncover some hilariously bad excuses? Picture this: the auditors uncover a trail of expense reports, all suspiciously filled with purchases of ‘office camels’ and ‘emergency finger food platters.’ Naturally, everyone will try to play innocent—“Oh, those camels were strictly for business purposes!” Now engaging experts means there is an expectation the experts will have all the answers. Truth is they would mostly have... more questions. We always think experts would solve our problems. But from previous experience they would mostly identify more problems we didn't know we had.
People have mixed feelings about the audit. Some are saying it should cover a much longer period that includes the previous century. That’s a long time ago though and I wouldn’t want it to go that far back. Imagine asking people what exactly happened on 4th July 1992. Our memories are not that good. Most people from that time are fighting off the onset of dementia. When the auditors are done they will make a presentation and we will hear bewildered civil servants saying ‘the auditor's report is in... a series of complex diagrams and equations. We are pretty sure they're trying to communicate something.’ Such reports sometimes achieve a rare feat: that of universal confusion and leaving everyone equally perplexed. Interpreting an auditor's report—it’s like deciphering a secret code written by accountants who moonlight as cryptographers. The first step is wading through the seemingly endless jargon. Words like ‘material misstatement’ or ‘qualified opinion’ make it sound more like a scandalous courtroom drama than a financial document.
Then there's the ‘Opinion’ section—a part so unhelpfully vague, you might wonder if the auditor is trying to break up with their principal in the gentlest way possible. And let’s not forget the audit findings are also a masterpiece of subtlety. Instead of saying ‘your expense tracking is a hot mess,’ it reads, ‘opportunities exist for enhanced procedural documentation.’ It’s essentially polite accountant-speak for ‘stop chowing money that does not belong to you.’ It’s like a secret club language that only the financial elite truly understand. So in the meantime as the audit train chugs off those who are going to interpret it to us the citizenry will do well to enroll in Audit Language 102. (For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected]) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email [email protected]
