the monitor

Let’s Rain Check Those New Year’s Resolutions Once Again

For a good number of us, the holiday season is that time of year where the calories don’t count and everything is miraculously calorie-free! It's almost like Santa himself sprinkles a little extra magic into every piece of roast beef, cake, ensuring our jeans shrink right on cue.

It’s not our fault, right? Every gathering is an all-you-can-eat buffet, and calories magically become festive cheer! You know the drill: You promise yourself you won’t go overboard, but then Uncle Shakes brings his famous pounded goat meat complete with offals and all bets are off. The only exercise we're getting is repeatedly lifting the fork or hand to our mouths. You swear you'll just have one piece of meat, but suddenly you’re on a first-name basis with the dining table. Ever notice how the dieticians become very busy during the year concocting all sorts of diets for the fat-threatened side of the population but suddenly stop around November.

Yes, they do. The whole idea is for you to eat many goats in December, put on more flab and pay them a visit in January with a distressed body. It is business, right? Trying to keep people on a diet during Christmas is like trying to keep a snowman from melting in the sun—it’s simply not going to happen! Dieticians wisely retreat and resurface in January with renewed vigour, ready to help us repent for our festive indulgences. Because, let’s face it, the real holiday miracle is pretending we can say no to a second helping of tripe mixed with intestines! So, during December, it’s every dieter for themselves. May your stretch pants be ever-forgiving and your guilt as light as your New Year’s salad.

Some nasty cabbage-filled friend said to me as I was still lamenting how some gremlin has systematically adjusted the size of my wardrobe from XL to M, ‘Do not blame December. You were fat in August’. I must admit I didn’t know cabbage, which is a January staple, had side effects such as converting perfectly nice people into vile, nasty-spewing individuals. I am now seriously questioning my choices. But hey, January is for resolutions, right? It’s practically a festive tradition to start the New Year with a membership to the gym we have no intention of using. Initially New Year’s resolutions were practically invented for undoing all the joyful damage December brings. New Year is an annual tradition of setting incredibly ambitious goals that we’re determined to conquer...until about mid-January. It’s like the ultimate exercise in optimism! We start off with the best of intentions: ‘This year, I’m going to wake up at 5am every day, eat vegetables, learn to play the guitar and save money.’ Fast forward two weeks, and the only thing we’re fluent in is the language of excuses: ‘My bed is too comfy,’ ‘The vegetable ban has made vegetables expensive’; ‘I can’t possibly strum the guitar with my perfectly manicured nails’ and ‘Now that I am legally and officially fat, I need a wardrobe makeover and that is going to cost a bit!’ Gyms see a surge of new members in January, only for their attendance to dwindle by February.

That yoga mat you bought? It’s now serving as a lovely decorative piece in the corner of the room. It is also a cold reminder of your lack of seriousness in matters of fitness. Hopefully many of you have realised the futility of making resolutions. Those do not last beyond the first month. But I have promised myself on thing – my treadmill, which has for several years been a fancy clothes hanger, will get back into action. I hope the motor still works! Did I just make a new year’s resolution too? And compliments to everyone who thinks this is their year. We all know it is not, despite all that optimism.

(For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected]) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email [email protected]
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