I am a functional teetotaler, which means I lead a perfectly normal life without relying on alcohol. Being a teetotaler means I have mastered the art of saying ‘no’ to the ever-tempting siren song of cocktails and beers. While many are debating whether to have ‘just one more drink,’ I am out there savouring my sparkling water like it's liquid gold. I always remember what happened the night before, can drive at any given moment, and wake up with zero regrets and a fresh head—no hangovers while across the aisle my friends are searching for some salty food and grandpa headache powder. I am proof that you can have a good time, remember it, and even feel great the next day. Cheers to that! Being a teetotaler though means you always have to answer these types of questions:
‘Do you have a medical condition?’ ‘Did a bottle of wine try to kill your family?’ ‘Is that a religious dictate?’ ‘Are you on a break?’ ‘So, what do you do for fun, just remember everything?’ ‘How do you survive parties? Do you just vibe off other people’s regret?’ When you imbibe the holy waters you never get such questions. Your questions go something like ‘Do you take alcohol’ and when you answer ‘yes’ the response is usually something like ‘Praise God, hallelujah’. Today’s column though is not about ringing the plaudits for the sobre bench. No! Half the population doesn’t like being reminded of the Dos their mothers preached incessantly in their youth. This past weekend I was at a Get Together with friends who graduated from the University of Botswana in the 1900s – 1993 to be precise – which is a long time ago in the past century. We are the pre-Google, pre-bluetooth, pre-agriculture-infused alcohol cohort. Basically, civilization seems to have started just after finishing our Bachelors degrees. I am not making any claims that we had anything to do with the fact that civilisation took off in a massive way just when we started working. But it is a welcome coincidence. Please throw the plaudits in that box over there in the corner! When you drink Fanta in such events your level of sophistication is very low and suspicion hovers around you and never leaves.
