Idiots Season

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low this month. I used to have some immunity built up but there must be some new strain out there. I do not know what has caused this but it must be the usual February issues.

This is a month of love where you are at least expected to show your partner you love them through buying them gifts like chocolate, colognes and a bouquet of flowers. Most of us use the word bouquet only once in a year- in February.

That means we are usually terribly out of practice and so bouquet and banquet are usually fighting for that space before the ‘of flowers’ bit. So, it is not uncommon to hear confused and under-duress idiots asking for a ‘banquet of flowers’ at the florist.

The world is full of idiots and most idiots don’t even know they are idiots. Truth is February is the hardest month to navigate and it takes a good 40 days. We cannot be dealing with February issues and idiots at the same time. We have creditors to trick, school fees to pay, groceries to attempt to buy and sheriffs to dance around as well as bouquets to buy.

The added pressure of dealing with idiots is as unwelcome as a mirror after a bout of chicken pox. We should be allowed the space to attempt the glass-half-full perspective as we trudge through the February terrain. Only last week I gave a lift to a few idiotic friends. I was playing some good music and as the music hit me I started doing that deep shoulder action.

The passengers also joined in on the action and we started singing along. Now if you are a passenger in my car you cannot disrespect me by singing lead. That is my role. You are in my car and that automatically makes you a backup singer. A big argument ensued and I had to shed off two passengers – the ungazzeted lead singer and his supporter.

And then there are binary options friend requests from some idiots on social media. It is usually from very beautiful idiots next to a flashy set of wheels in Dubai. Clearly you have to be beautiful and be a slay queen to participate in bitcoin. Firstly, I am not beautiful though my wife might beg to differ (wives are like that) and secondly I am not a slay queen of any sort.

I have a standard response to these request and it goes something like ‘I have rejected your friend request. I am still working on my 2-bob face as I see one has to be beautiful to take part. If you have any doubts about my looks please check references on the photo gallery. I promise I will be beautiful one day. Exercise a little patience’. That usually gets them off my back.

Then there are idiots who believe the early year blues only affect one side of the population. I am talking about the ones who see themselves as so special that they should be the ones asking for loans from us. Banks are more tight-fisted at this time of the year so what kind of person expects a loan from a mere mortal in January or February.

Hopefully Parliament, which is currently in an emergency session, will discuss these issues as this is an emergency of sorts.

How about the idiot who after hearing John Legend’s song All of Me which has a line ‘my head is underwater but I’m breathing fine’ said ‘John Legend is a liar. I tried that nonsense and almost died’.

Are we now going to have a ‘Don’t try this at home’ warnings on audio CDs? Some years ago only a PG label would have sufficed because we were not complete morons then.

And perhaps I too am an idiot to pen something of this sort - like it takes one to know one, right? I mean what kind of columnist devotes a whole section of a newspaper writing about idiots. Idiots are only worth mentioning when authoring publications like ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Whatever’ and nothing else.

(For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected])

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