Today I have decided to put on an Ausi Maggie wig and wade into the unfamiliar territory of romance – more specifically advising people on matters of romance.
Granted, it is an ill-fitting wig and so this advice should be taken with a large dose of PG. For quite a while I didn’t have the testicular fortitude to wade into this territory because my competence on the subject is akin to trying to build a house of cards in the Boteti winds. But here I am, trying to make it happen, due mainly also to a tragic genetic flaw of columnists – we think we can write on anything because we have the editorial mileage.
Years ago when I was young, sassy and stupid I happened across a book entitled ‘How To Dump Your Girlfriend: A Coward’s Manual’. In this publication there was a horrible suggestion of pulling such a dastardly deed on Valentine’s Day. I mean which evil head does that. There was a wild justification that the parting gift doubles as a consolation prize of sorts. What baloney is that! How can that even be a consolation prize? I swore when I grew up I’d write a much better version than that. So it took me a few decades – 3 decades to be precise - to come up with an improved version. Sadly my effort to outdo that publication is a newspaper column that is only half a page. But still it is something. At this rate if I keep up this pace I will possibly complete this project well into my 70s when I’d possibly be one sneeze from being slingshot to heaven. But I keep the faith and plod along!
The challenged economy means dumping partners on Valentine’s day is a mouthwatering prospect. For many of us it really would be the wallet speaking. In the first place who decided that it should come a month after that wallet-sapping festive season and immediately after cabbage season? Bewildered partners are getting nasty thoughts of checking out of relationships – some older than the hills in the Okavango. Let’s see you have to get flowers. The flower section is usually a battlefield. You're dodging elbows and shopping trolleys as you reach for the last bouquet of roses, only to find it is missing half its petals. You consider lillies but settle for a mix-and-match bouquet that screams, ‘I tried.’ The line at the till is a test of patience. You bond with fellow last-minute shoppers over shared horror stories of past Valentine's Day fails. You all secretly vow to start shopping earlier next year (but you know you won't). After all this trouble you start wondering if it is worth it in the first place or should you just dump your girlfriend.
The highest possible romance authority, the Internet, is my companion in this new Ausi Maggie vocation and I would advise many that are currently battling with romance issues to onboard. If you ever experience a romance aberration, such as when your partner makes a whining noise and you are thinking of cutting your losses and hitting the highway, you don't need to waste time sitting in a counsellor’s waiting room reading 2001 issues of Kutlwano and Drum magazines. Instead, you can go to the Internet, and with just a few mouse clicks, you'll discover the reassuring truth: you are treading too close to Moronville and Moronville residents are not allowed to dump anyone especially on Valentine’s day! I know I might get a bunch of nasty letters from irate counsellors attacking me for unnecessarily diverting business in a struggling economy.
A few years ago a semi-dubious outfit ranked the Southern African countries in order of romanticism, and I am TICKED OFF. My country, Botswana, came in 7th. Can you believe that? Seventh! Out of 10 countries. How dare they? How dare they suggest that Botswana men are more romantic than three other countries? No way! We have people here flirting with thoughts of dumping their partners on Valentine’s Day. (For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected]) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email [email protected]
Years ago when I was young, sassy and stupid I happened across a book entitled ‘How To Dump Your Girlfriend: A Coward’s Manual’. In this publication there was a horrible suggestion of pulling such a dastardly deed on Valentine’s Day. I mean which evil head does that. There was a wild justification that the parting gift doubles as a consolation prize of sorts. What baloney is that! How can that even be a consolation prize? I swore when I grew up I’d write a much better version than that. So it took me a few decades – 3 decades to be precise - to come up with an improved version. Sadly my effort to outdo that publication is a newspaper column that is only half a page. But still it is something. At this rate if I keep up this pace I will possibly complete this project well into my 70s when I’d possibly be one sneeze from being slingshot to heaven. But I keep the faith and plod along!
The challenged economy means dumping partners on Valentine’s day is a mouthwatering prospect. For many of us it really would be the wallet speaking. In the first place who decided that it should come a month after that wallet-sapping festive season and immediately after cabbage season? Bewildered partners are getting nasty thoughts of checking out of relationships – some older than the hills in the Okavango. Let’s see you have to get flowers. The flower section is usually a battlefield. You're dodging elbows and shopping trolleys as you reach for the last bouquet of roses, only to find it is missing half its petals. You consider lillies but settle for a mix-and-match bouquet that screams, ‘I tried.’ The line at the till is a test of patience. You bond with fellow last-minute shoppers over shared horror stories of past Valentine's Day fails. You all secretly vow to start shopping earlier next year (but you know you won't). After all this trouble you start wondering if it is worth it in the first place or should you just dump your girlfriend.
The highest possible romance authority, the Internet, is my companion in this new Ausi Maggie vocation and I would advise many that are currently battling with romance issues to onboard. If you ever experience a romance aberration, such as when your partner makes a whining noise and you are thinking of cutting your losses and hitting the highway, you don't need to waste time sitting in a counsellor’s waiting room reading 2001 issues of Kutlwano and Drum magazines. Instead, you can go to the Internet, and with just a few mouse clicks, you'll discover the reassuring truth: you are treading too close to Moronville and Moronville residents are not allowed to dump anyone especially on Valentine’s day! I know I might get a bunch of nasty letters from irate counsellors attacking me for unnecessarily diverting business in a struggling economy.
A few years ago a semi-dubious outfit ranked the Southern African countries in order of romanticism, and I am TICKED OFF. My country, Botswana, came in 7th. Can you believe that? Seventh! Out of 10 countries. How dare they? How dare they suggest that Botswana men are more romantic than three other countries? No way! We have people here flirting with thoughts of dumping their partners on Valentine’s Day. (For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected]) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email [email protected]
