Back then, having bulging biceps was equated to being macho. And handsome! Someone once told me that girls were not interested only in looks -- that the qualities that really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. The truth is that -- and I speak here as a trained humor professional -- women are definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say, ‘I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger would put his shirt back on and tell us some jokes!’. So, yeah, this is exactly why I am in this position. I found out from the Internet that when you get to be my age (old), you lose bone density and muscle mass. This alarmed me, because I never had any muscle mass to begin with. So, I was actually wondering what I would be losing. But I am determined to start. I want to start. Obviously, these days, everything starts with the internet. Anything that doesn’t start with an internet rummage did not happen.
You have to start researching things like • Five things to know about lifting weights • How to develop attractive muscles despite having gym arrears • Is building muscles a marathon or a selfie sprint • What NOT to Do Before You Lift (Unless You Want Regret) • Why Everyone Grunts Like They're Summoning Thor • Is Weight Lifting Actually a Scam? The reality is, when you embark on something like this, there’s a whole lot of unsolicited advice from pseudo fitness experts. One unsettling advice from my neighbour, who has never seen the inside of a gym, was: eat like a farm animal. Lettuce. Cucumber. Broccoli. And repeat until your taste buds file a formal complaint. This was said with a serious face. Yet another overzealous advisor told me that every lift is a performance. Make sure to vocalize your effort with a series of guttural grunts, groans, and the occasional high-pitched shriek. It lets everyone know you're working really, really hard, and it's a great way to clear the gym so you can have the machine all to yourself. Apparently, developing muscles involves lifting heavy things... then putting them down.
