But then the fellows of the Order of the Oblong Table at the Nitty Gritty dare to venture where no mortal hath previously ventured. Spurred on by the burning waters of immortality, and spirited forth by the knowledge that you can drink now and pay later, their mission is not only to conquer the spirits of the whiteman's liquor, but also to conquer his language and get to the soul of his meaning and thereby to the root of his imperialistic tendencies. The overall advantage to all this is that you may stumble upon one or two recipes or formula for the greatest Vodka and other alcoholic beverages ever concocted in the ancient breweries of Europe.
The discussion of the English language and the general meaning of words veers in the direction of all the different words used for death, or murder.
"The English are very specific about the type of murder and who or how one gets killed," says Nikita. "They have a different word for each type of death. For example if you kill yourself, it is called suicide. If you kill your father it's patricide, for mother it is matricide, and if you kill the whole tribe its genocide."
"Yeah, it is kinda weird the way they have all those words. The only one I know is homicide," adds Mr. Kool, who has obviously learnt this word from watching a lot of American cop movies.
"Ware homicide ne monna? I can tell you what that means. It obviously means the killing of homosexuals!" interrupts Chicken.
"No man, homicide is not death by homosexuality! It just means murder. Even I know that and I ain't no expert on the English lingo," admits Mr. Kool.
"That you are not, my dear Mr. America, that you are not. I sincerely commend you for your brutal honesty!" quips Nikita, sarcastically.
"Ya man, this English language ya lona le yone ke mathata. It's not straight forward all the time, and when you think you understand, people come up with more words. Like that time when I applied to be a refugee. They say "profession," so under that I write KILLER. The man says no they, don't take killers. I tell him no but that's my work. I kill chicken at the chicken factory back home in South Africa. So he looks at me funny as if I smell of chicken shit, and I ask him very seriously; "what do you want me to write, CHICKEN MURDER?", I can't write that on government papers. Strusgod, they will lock me up for Molly's station if I write chicken murder!" Chicken has told this story so many times before, but its one of those stories that become funnier with each retelling and in response the fellows let loose a hearty roar that speaks of throats that are presently well quenched.
"Molly station? Is that like a police station?"
"No man, he means molestation of minors, as in those 16 year olds you vaya with!" says Walkie, taking a deliberate jibe at Mr. Kool and his entourage of 'honeys.'
"Yeah man, you so right. I should seek police protection for real. All them babes want a piece of Mr. Kool, twenty-four-seven! If it aint for ma money, its for ma honey. I'm tired of them bees buzzin' after me. It's too much man, I'm like honey to them bees. It's molestation and I'm heading straight for the police station!"
"Ijajaja! O re bolaisitse motho! Gatwe go rileng? What's up Mr. Kool?" says Ausi Maggie, entering the conversation on her way from the kitchen into the lounge.
"But seriously though folks, this English language is a big bummer. You would expect the killing of the whole country, like in Rwanda and Burundi to be called countricide, not genocide! I mean what's geno?"
By logical extension from Mr. Kool's argument, the fellows at the Nitty Gritty have come up with a short dictionary on death. Needless to say, they were aided in this rather morbid and macabre exercise by the lively spirits of the beverages served by the chief hostess and sole proprietor, one Ausi Maggie. And that, dear esteemed reader, who I assume is also perplexed by the English language, is how the following short dictionary was written.
1. Death by sex - sexicide
2. The killing of Sue - suecide
3. The death by drowning in the sea - seaside (or seacide if you are American). If you drown in a river, it would be rivercide.
4. The killing of a father - patricide
5. Scared to death - petrified
6. Death by fear - petricide
7. The killing of the whole country - countricide
8. The killing of a son - sonnycide, can also be spelt "sunnyside" if the death is of great benefit to the larger society.
9. The complete destruction of coins - coincide
10. The killing of pests, especially those who pester you for drinks - pesticide or pesterminate
11. Death by terminal boredom - jokesacide
12. Death by choking - chokesacide
13. Killed by a steak of beef - topcide
14. Killed by two much activity - exercised
15. Banished to die on no man's land - neutralised
16. Death due to drinking liquids beyond their expiry date - liquidate
17. Death in an inn, travern, motel or shebeen - inncide
