Daily I listen to him enumerate my flaws and weaknesses. I tried in vain not to imbibe his obnoxious opinions but it’s evident I did not try hard.
When he had left me for a while I executed plans of success. But he despised the smell of success, he smelt it from afar thus came quickly and threw his scent. Self-doubt engulfed me, he over whelmed me.
I tried to repulse the thought of giving up, the spell that he put on me, the spell of despair-it called to be heard, it said to me, “You can’t be it, you can’t go there, you are not good enough, you can’t, you can’t!”, words that make you feel cold and little or worse, worthless.
Instead of trying to fight the thought of giving up, I succumbed to it. I agreed with self-doubt that I am a nobody who can never become a tomorrow somebody.
I heed his call of renunciation and look where it brought me, in a place of absolute darkness and utter terror where I speak but no one can hear. I am my own traitor for instead of endeavouring to succeed I gave no thought to my capabilities and resorted to giving up on my dreams without even making a single attempt.
He laughed as he realised I had consented to being maladjusted. Opportunities and chances came but because of him I was blind to them all.
“Faith in oneself” is a phrase that made no sense to me, these words were excluded from my vocabulary.
Men who promised to marry me were driven away by the devil in me, they all asked “What do you do for a living?” and I answered, “I can’t do anything”, without looking twice they all ran off. I did not think I was capable of making a living for myself.
He was still rejoicing, making me feel less and less of a person. Oh creator! How can a person be so imbecile! I had no sense at all, I gave self-doubt my heart and mind, I let him make decisions for me, he was my god. Now I have nothing to show to prove my existence. He told me I’m no pedigree muntu and I gladly bowed down to receive my crown of DEFEATED AND NEVER EVER TO SUCCEED. I lie now in utter distress.
Its dark but I can see regret, great shame is visible. The thought of the life I lived is excruciating but I have nobody to exonerate me. Doubting my own self and capabilities has caused the death of me. Self-doubt who once never left my side is nowhere to be found. The taste of the if only’s that flow from my mouth is bitter. If only I had believed in myself, if only I had not given up.
If only faith in oneself made sense to me then than it does now, if only I had not given up on my dreams.
But right now I am where changes cannot be made, I call but no one comes, I touch but no one feels and I wave but no one sees. Self-doubt has robbed me of my existence and now no one will ever see the proof that I lived.
LESSON: Nothing is as painful as realising your worth and capabilities when its already too late to put them to operation, put yourself to the test because the impossible is made possible by attempts and determination.
And failure to execute is a stop on your way of success which gives you a chance to innovate. Thus DO NOT give up on dreams, go ahead and dream success and be a success.
Bontle Lulu Lesiapeto