Yippee! We Finally Made A Top 10 List

Top 10 Lists are usually very eminent lists and making it into a Top List usually catches the attention of the President.

The script is: someone like VP will hear the news. He will then let the President know and the Minister of Finance will be called. He will then tell them there’s no money for Top 10 roadshows. He will be subtly arm-twisted into doing an abracadabra and the money will magically appear and the roadshows will begin. This is the template for many African countries.

Our initial euphoria disappeared like a toupee in a hurricane when we realised that this type of Top 10 is nothing to enthuse about. This is similar to flaccid Top 10s like Top 10 Places to Eat Pizza At the Back of A Van, Top 10 Countries to Walk a Rabid Dog, Top 10 Places to Water Your Garden While Playing a Flute and the like.

Our country has made a Top 10 list of Unhappiest people on earth. We are in very illustrious company here with countries like Central African Republic, which only makes news when there’s strife in their country.


South Sudan is in there too, another strife factory. You somehow expect people from South Sudan to be unhappy because most of the citizens are older than their country which was birthed in 2005. Somehow this country started misbehaving before it even reached teenage-hood. As soon as they got independence they got busy and within six years they had a civil war where around 400,000 people were killed. This is enough to make citizens unhappy. I am not happy with our country being in there. This gives the impression that we are this nation of sour-faced people who look like they have swallowed truckloads of bitter lemons. Nothing could be farther from the truth though.

Everyday when you trawl through Facebook you meet an average of 7,859 people dressed in beautiful outfits with the caption ‘I choose to be happy’. Now how did those in charge of the ratings miss this. They should be encouraged to buy bundles!

Granted the national populace is unhappy about the Btv song Mammeeeee which has somehow managed to survive two presidents, an economic crunch, several CEOs and three SOEs. It now looks like it will also survive a pandemic. Somehow when everything was upgraded to meet the Y2K compliance this tune just stuck and actually outdid every song on the Btv playlist. Yes, this has resulted in unhappy nationals but it cannot be enough to get us on less flattering lists.

Making this list is about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. But we must somehow find the silver lining. How about opening Happiness Salons? Before you dismiss this as absurd and a creation of a columnist low on creativity, think about what happens in a hair salon. This is where people go when their hair is unhappy. Nail salons are also in existence chiefly to deal with unhappy nails. So what could be wrong with having a salon that improves one’s mood like a Happiness Salon?

(For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected])

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