Zuma to transfer Lulu and Oscar to Manchester United

According to newspaper reports Rooney is off to Bayern Munich or any number of other clubs if he isn't staying put and signing a new contract - after missing one game. This got me wondering what would happen if our president, Jacob Zuma, was in the happy position of being able to transfer some of our problem children to foreign clubs, preferably United itself.

For example if Oscar Pistorius could avoid standing trial if he was signed as a striker by Sir Alex Ferguson (also known to me as Sir Chewing Gum of Stopwatch and his band of merry ref crowders).