The sacred 'payslip' and marriage conflicts

NYAKWAR BARA
Correspondent | Friday July 4, 2008 00:00

Some consider its contents a sacred secret that should never be revealed to their husband or wife, and would rather die than divulge what all those deductions mean to the family. Others believe that when your spouse knows how much you earn and how you spend it, you are setting the stage for harmonious relationship free of suspicion and conflict.

Many people have been shocked to discover how much their spouses earn from their jobs and other sources -when they stumble on payslips and other documents like title deeds, bank statements, share certificates and so on.

Why all this secrecy about earnings that is supposed to uplift the living standards of your family? Most of the men and women were surprised by the mere suggestion that they should share their payslip contents with their loved ones.

'That would be like losing my freedom,' Said Obonye, 38. 'As long as I provide for my family, I don't see why my wife should have access to my payslip.'

Masego Nthoiwa, 40, was more forthright. 'He will only see my payslip over my dead body!' she said, explaining that her mother taught her long ago that under no circumstances should she or any of her sibling divulge what they earn to their husbands or wives.

'My father used to drink all his money while my mother struggled to put food on the table. She secretly bought a home in Phakalane. The property was registered in her name. She feared if she told our father about it, he would sell it and drink all the money.

Masego's husband can only guess how much she earns because her payslip is kept under lock and key in her office. She dare not to take them home in case he finds them and learns how much she had saved with her bank or start asking questions about the loan she took some time back to buy a plot of land or where she takes the handsome bonuses she gets at the end of the year.

'I just don't think it is right to show your husband your payslip,' she repeats.

Morabane's concerns are different. As a senior executive with an international organisation, she saw her husband's payslip one day and was shocked to learn that she earns almost three times as much as he does.

'Telling him how much I earn could make him leave me because I think men become insecure when they realise their wives earn more than they do. Alternatively, he could decide to let me run the house alone,' she says.

Although Morabane and her husband have joint accounts, she maintains another one that he has no idea about.

'My secret account gives me the financial security I desire. It is this account that I use to save my money for my own projects - like buying a car and going about with my friends.'

Dennis Msheng is an information technologist and he says it is not an issue if his wife sees his payslip.

'My payslips and bank statements are kept in an open drawer in our bedroom. When you live with someone, it is good for him or her to know where your money goes. For instance, my wife knows how much I am paying for the car loan'.

Although his wife also puts her payslips where he can easily access them and study them if he wanted to, he has never bothered because 'where I come from, it is the man who takes care of everything. If she wanted to chip in, well and good, but it is basically my responsibility to provide for my family.

I believe that in a healthy relationship, there should be openness about finances. When your wife knows how much you earn it allays suspicions.'

Jane Letshole, a counselling psychologist and nurse at Molepolole clinic, explains that when people hide finances from their spouses, it is a sign that there is a serious problem within that relationship.

'It brings up the question of mistrust and that is a sure recipe for conflicts, both verbal and physical.'

When you hide issues to do with money from each other, you make your spouse suspicious about how you spent it,' she adds. If you ask for money and your spouse says he or she doesn't have any, yet you know this isn't true, it can make you blurt out accusingly, 'what do you do with your money?''

This is a question no one wants to hear because it implies that they contribute nothing towards running the home.

'Usually, problematic families are those that keep secrets to do with finances. Happy families are open about how much they earn and even plan together how to spend the money', says Letshole.

However, she adds that there are some situations in marriage that are so bad that a woman is justified in hiding her payslip from her husband.

'There are husbands who demand their wives' pay - to the last thebe - and then give them bus fare on a daily basis. She even has to beg for money for food from him'.

This is the reason why Jean Cherufia, a civil servant, says she cannot tell her husband how much she earns. 'Unless he discloses to me how much he earns, I am not going to do so. I have friends who have told their husbands and now they are enslaved. These men demand their wives' salaries and even budget for it. I refuse to fall into the same trap.'

Cherufia says it satisfies her psychologically to know that she is keeping something from her husband.

While some hide their payslips because their spouses are extravagant spenders, others do it out of immaturity. They just listen to what others are saying and copying what they do.

There are men of the opinion that women have no business to know how much they earn because they learnt from their fathers that it is unnecessary to reveal to a woman what they are doing. Such a culture demands that he takes care of his family - he needn't tell his wife how he is going about it.

Without understanding this, some women feel betrayed when they come to learn that their husbands are much wealthier than they imagined. Such a situation need not arise if there is a premarital counselling on handling finances.

'Spouses intending to marry', says Letshole, 'Should discuss and agree how they will be able to deal with issues that arise after marriage, such as giving money to their in-laws. You are an independent unit with your own family to plan for, so in - laws shouldn't sit there waiting to be factored into your money plans. Budget together, to avoid conflicts.'