On the flip side

Keletso Thobega | Sunday May 5, 2013 00:00

Equality is a farce. All those angry feminists with hairy armpits and beard stubs misled us. As a conspiracy lover, I sometimes suspect there’s a co-relation between feminism and the rise of homosexuality!

The fact that we talk about ‘Girl power’ shows it’s a myth. It’s like Africans chanting - ‘Proudly Black’. Ever heard: ‘Proudly White’?Anyway, tshele aside, in my next life I want to come back as a man. I’m not a penis-envying dyke. I just want to experience life on the other tracks! Aaah, it would be great not to be objectified just because I have a va-jay-jay.

As a brown-pot of masculinity I’d hang out with and befriend males without being brandished a tomboy or whore.When I chat with “the boys” it wouldn’t be: “When I was overseas...” but “When I was a woman...” I’d be popular. They’d say: ‘Hey, he was a woman in his past life!’ The other would respond: ‘Damn! Welcome to the club buddy, here let me buy you a drink!’ I wouldn’t be expected to return the favour in “kind”. It would just be a dude buying me a bloody beer!

Hee, you have no idea how much beer I would guzzle. Men are better drinking machines because they have more alcohol dehydrogenates. That means no more drinking ‘lites’ but the real makoya!I also wouldn’t need to shut down for maintenance every 28 days, and be incapacitated by bodily functions. I’d always be on the roll! My being male would also mean doing what I’ve always been curious to do - urinate standing up!

I’d get away with rugged tendencies like scratching my crotch in public and wolfing down my food. I’d also leave the toilet seat up. All the time...As a “better driver” I’d cuss women on the roads. I bet they’d still drive like they are knitting! I would be aggressive. This quandary is chalked as ‘boys will be boys’. This means getting away with knee jerk random actions like sticking out my middle finger and using the ‘F’ word! I would act macho and brave, even when I’m scared and hurt inside...I don’t want to be a sissy, you know!

I’d also not worry much about what I wear. Men can all wear a black suit at a function and it’s OK, they won’t act like the world will come to an end! I’d also be relieved to not have to deal with petty girl issues. No more listening to heifers gossiping, parading insecurities or moaning.

I’d be brimming with testosterone and ego. I’d walk around like God’s gift to earth. I would enjoy having that surprising degree of confidence. Even an ugly guy with a potbelly can act like the hottest thing; you’d be forgiven for believing in his past life, he was an underwear model...

I’d shamelessly ogle women. Imagine spending the day checking out buttocks, tits and who is pretty. Damn, what mindless fun.... To satisfy my itch, I’d prefer those who like to giggle and flirt; easy prey. I would also break hearts like it’s a sport. I’d master the art of deception. It’s a mating strategy, duh! I’d use the lines like: ‘I’m single.’ or ‘You’re the best woman I’ve ever met.’ If you don’t lie, you won’t get laid... After the ‘dooch-dooch’ I would disappear and not call until the itch kicks again. What’s the big deal? I wouldn’t be Jesus reincarnated you know! I’d be “the man”. Guiltless living...

I’d mess around until I’m ageing and only then would I settle down. I would opt for a submissive sweet woman who’s blinded by love and idealisation of marriage. Loudmouth smart-asses are only good as conquests. I wouldn’t want my ‘chosen’ one to regularly go out at night to avoid her being possible fodder for random men. I’d also make sure she kept few friends. I don’t want her corrupted!

Neither would I want to be single. I’d rather be trampled by an elephant than experience loss or rejection.Besides, who said I wouldn’t have feelings? I’d probably just not wear them on my sleeve!I finally won’t have to deal with the arduous expectations of woman emancipation. Women are “crybabies”. I’d pretend to understand their equality quests, whilst thinking, ‘Eish, cut this cosmo-sexual, post-modernist crap and let me suck those tits and bang that booty, already!’... After all, “it’s a man’s world”, eh?