Nitty gritty

BAROLONG SEBONI | Friday August 30, 2013 00:00

When I see people like Mr Kool, I begin to realise more and more that this bachelorhood affair is serious business, Jack. In fact with all due apologies to the whole generality of local bachelors, I shouldn't even be labelling it an 'affair'.Bachelorhood is a full time occupation that engages one (excuse the pun) 24 hours a day when one sleeps, works, plays or eats, especially during the latter activity which invariably takes one from home when everyone else is eating at home.How many times have you seen these species of the male persuasion having to have their meals in ruffled newspapers under a tree, or on the steps in any part of the mall?

It's not that they don't have a dining table at home mind you, it's rather that the art of dining is a social activity.We all know that ka Setswana go ja o le osi ke bogodu. So what are these poor fellows to do, but eat in these public places in the company of boxes, papers, each other and the occasional fly that eavesdrops on all such less gourmet occasions.Despite this minor inconvenience which lasts only one hour out of the 24, Mr Kool assures me that bachelorhood is not a bad profession.This is the only thing that Nikita and our impeccably attired and coiffured friend agree on. They both assure me that like all careers it is demanding and requires dedication and patience.  By this we mean you can't just wake up one day and say, 'ahh, I'm an eligible bachelor.' According to Nikita it comes with time, practice and hard work...and he adds: 'Just like you can't sleep all your life and one day hope to be honoured with a degree o bo o re hee banna, ke ngaka!'

In talking to both knowledgeable personages on the subject of bachelorhood, we may surmise that there are stages through which one has to go before one reaches the apex. The first stage is the boyhood, a period of time with which we are all familiar.The one thing that separates the designated, would-be or potential bachelor from his peers in his ability to excel in all sporting activities and still have the energy to sing and dance to all the latest hits in the evening during study.The talented youth will invariably ingratiate himself with the female sector of the class (except the odd one or two in the S.C.M. or Born Again, who dance to a different tune of a religious nature) by copying out lyrics of Lioness Richie or his balladeering predecessors of the '60s.

The female in turn aid him with his homework and generally keep him informed on the academic goings on.  This is not to suggest in any way that only the educated sector of malehood dominate the cult of bachelorhood.  No sir.If at this satge the candidates have not been burdened with the iniquitous prospect of entering the gates of academia and is,hypothetically, a herdboy, then such a fellow would distinguish himself by knowing exactly what time to linger around the well when the girls come to draw water, and the exact frequency of pitch in the whistle to draw the necessary attention from the 'young ones' without stampeding the grazing herd and confusing the dogs.These, I gather from my experienced friends, are the early distinguishable traits of bachelorhood.  On the extreme end of your average extroverted sportive youth is the young and shy recluse of a boy also quite brilliant.He too, I gather, has the making of a bachelor in adult life.But he can also look forward to a rewarding future in priesthood and the promise of higher things in the papacy, if he resists the ever threatening prospects of matrimony.