Unhappy alone or unhappy in a relationship?

Tebogo Kgalemang
Correspondent | Monday March 28, 2011 00:00

A relationship break-up can really sour future relationships. Sometimes, one may tend to wonder if it is a wrong decision to end a relationship despite their dissatisfactions with them or when exactly is the right time to end an unhappy relationship?

Should one just hang on to an unhappy relationship hoping for a change, and or, should there be a time when one gives up on an unhappy relationship? A psychology lecturer at Francistown Institute of Health Sciences (IHS) Anita Lebengo says that it is never healthy to undertake anything that is unpleasant to one's well-being.

'Our upbringing has a role in the way we define and view future relationships,' says Lebengo. According to her, individuals whose parents were victims of abuse tend to find it normal to be in unstable relationships. These individuals, she says, lack confidence and strength to leave their partners despite their dissatisfactions with them.

'Other individuals tend to rationalise why they are in that particular relationship out of fear or lack of independence be it financially or emotionally,' says the psychologist.

She further laments that individuals come up with concepts like,  'better the devil I know than the angel I do not know', trying to justify their stay in an unhappy relationships.

Lebengo says individuals should learn or be encouraged to vocalise their problems and accept embarrassment as part of empowerment and emotional strength.

Individuals should seek therapy and be assisted in realising their potential and ability to overcome any difficulties encountered. They should not keep to themselves, they must join social groups or clubs, exercise and preoccupy themselves with various activities that are empowering and leading to independence.

One author Renee Pullman argues that it is better to be unhappy and alone, than unhappy and in a relationship.

She says when you are alone you do not need to be dishonest as you plan your new happy life. According to Pullman, people should read and discover how to find the strength, and how to leave an unhappy relationship.

She says relationships are among the most complex aspects of our lives, particularly long-term relationships such as marriage. Your relationship can elevate you to new heights or drag you down into the dumps, says Pullman.

She says if you have tried to work out the issues in your unhappy relationship, really tried, and failed, then your relationship is over even though the two of you may still be together. She says the next question then, is how to leave an unhappy relationship?

'You both need to move on and find happiness again,' she admonishes.

'In a nutshell the right time to end a relationship is when you cannot be bothered any longer. You do not want to invest any more time and emotional energy into trying to fix something that cannot be fixed. Ultimately the right time to let go of a relationship is when you feel ready.'

Pullman points that as relationships are important parts of our lives, people should make sure they are not just running away from a problem. If you are in a long romance or marriage then you need to be truly sure that you have genuinely worked on the issue.

It takes both of you to work on things, you cannot do it alone, so if your partner is not on board then it is time to just leave, says Pullman. The author goes on and comments that it is the individual's decision to leave the relationship if it is not right for him/her.

'Your partner has no right to make this decision for you. Do not give in to pressure or surrender to the fear that the pressure may cause. Do what you have decided is right in a quieter time,' says Pullman.

The author encourages that people should drop the self-torturing beliefs and choose happiness. Living together physically but not in your heart is not going to fool any divine being anyway, nor is it likely to fool anyone else around you. Leave the hypocrisy behind, and take off.