Meeting one's father for the first time

Ike Vavi
Correspondent | Friday September 17, 2010 00:00

He lives in a nice house and drives a very nice car. One is tempted to conclude that he is enjoying a good life.However, behind this supposedly good life, there is anger, frustration and disappointment. Until last month, he had never seen nor heard a word from his biological father.

'I first saw him last month. I do not even know how I can tell you this! I am confused. I do not even know how to relate with him or even call him,' he says as tears run down his cheeks. He continues to reveal that their first meeting was like a movie. 'I was at home and about to leave when suddenly this pale looking old man appears from behind the car. I greeted him and continued reversing the car. As I opened the car door to close the gate, my aunt called me back.'

He says that he switched off the car engine and proceeded to the house. 'I was told to go and call two of our neighbours. One thing however bothered me. Tears were streaming from my aunt's and the old man's eyes,' he says.

After the arrival of the two neighbours, his aunt started apologising to him.  He says that she eventually managed to collect herself and declared that, 'Peter this is your father!'

'This statement echoed in my ears such that I could not immediately comprehend what she was saying. I had to ask her to repeat the statement several times and I cannot remember how many times,' he says as he tries to fight back the tears. He says that, 'the intervention and various explanations that were advanced were not enough to make me understand all this drama. I looked at this man and wondered if he was really my father! If he is, does he know and understand the pain that I am going through right now?  Where was he all these years?

Does he really care about me?' Peter begins to sob uncontrollably as he continues to narrate his ordeal. Peter says that as they sat there, a string of questions, now directed at his late mother also flooded his mind. He says it is his mother who raised him up as a single parent.

'I have trusted and loved my mother all these years. She has made me what I am today. But the latest revelation is now confusing me. If she dearly loved me why would she deny me the opportunity to know my father? For God's sake why did she not consider telling me this secret before she died? If they had some misunderstanding with my father why was she dragging me into the whole fracas? Above all why did she tell me that my father had died a long time ago?' he wonders furiously.

Peter says he is saddened by the fact that the only person who can unravel all this mystery is no more. 'I am angered by the fact that she decided to go to her grave with this secret. For all these years I have believed that I had no father but now I am confused,' he says.

Peter is also furious with his relatives particularly his aunt who is now his guardian. 'I am disappointed by the fact that my trusted aunt has all along been party to the whole drama. Why did she not advise my mother to tell me the truth? Why did she also keep quiet when she knew that I was not told the truth?' he asks with disappointment written all over his face.

Peter says that although relatives, friends and the neighbours have tried to give various explanations and justification for what has happened, he still finds it difficult to accept it. 'I find it difficult to understand this situation. I still feel that both my parents should have been faithful to me and told me the truth,' he argues.

Peter says that he is trying to come to terms with the situation. 'I am trying to adjust to this new life. I now have to accept a new revelation that I have a father who has been irresponsible for the past 30 years.'  He laments. He says that the main challenge for him is to establish that much needed connection between himself and his father, his siblings from his father' side and his relatives. 'I am confused! I am really trying hard to adjust but for now I am failing. This new chapter in my life is both stressful and painful,' he maintains. A psychology lecturer at the Institute of Health Sciences in Francistown, Anita Lebengo, says that Peter's situation is very traumatic and emotionally challenging. 'It will definitely present challenges to him. It will for a while confuse and turn his world upside down,' she says. She says that individuals who go through such experiences need a lot of counselling and emotional support. 'He will therefore need a lot of counselling as this has the potential to affect his interpersonal communication skills and his dealings with other people particularly his relatives. He might not trust them anymore. He might even find it difficult to trust anybody anymore,' she reveals.