When children abuse their parents

EDWARD BULE
Correspondent | Wednesday November 17, 2010 00:00

The abuse of parents by their children refers to any act by the child, that causes physical, emotional or economic harm to the parent. It is a form of domestic violence as parents are routinely intimidated, called names, verbally terrorised by being insulted and generally undermined by their children.  Social workers say that a child who refuses to do domestic chores preferring instead to go out or just idle around, for instance, is an abuser. They say that some children cause profound economic and emotional pain to their parents by stealing from them. The stealing could include cash or household property which is then sold for cash usually to facilitate the purchase of alcohol, drugs or other items of choice. Children, for instance, who refuse to go to school, abuse their parents because they hurt them. The emotional and economic stress that a parent is caused by a child who steals the family car and gets into trouble with the police constitutes abuse by the child. Other parent abusers, according to social work professionals, especially girls, leave their own offspring with their parents to look after while they go and have fun. The arrangement becomes more poignant and exploitative when the parent is not rewarded, for example, by being looked after. This forces the parent to use his or her own meager resources to care for the child and sometimes the mother as well. In some cases, the child might be working but fails to look after the parent who has been turned into a babysitter. Jacqueline Ookeditse, a vendor acknowledges that many parents are victims of abuse by their children. 'One of the reasons why this is so is that children are taught only about their rights and nothing about responsibilities,' she says. While she endorses the concept of rights for children, Ookeditse says that children need to know that they have no choice but to respect their parents. Jenamiso Tawa, who runs a taxi in Francistown blames parents for abusive children arguing that children who become abusive were brought up by parents whose parenting skills leave much to be desired. 'A good parent is firm with his or her children so that they do not grow up to be spoilt brats,' he concludes. Archbishop Mbakiso Mpapho of Phodisong the First Stone Church in Zion advices that for peace to prevail in the family, the children should be introduced to God at an early age. In his view, children who grow up in the church respect, not only their parents but other elders because that is the law of God. Christian children are able to empathise with their parents, he adds.

'People should not abandon the traditional way of bringing up children where members of the extended family as well as neighbours and other adults could discipline any wayward child without deferring to the biological parents, ' further says the Archbishop. Mpapho says he talks to his children regularly telling them what he expects of them.

Enoch Malanga, a retired teacher who now runs a shoe business says that the abuse of parents by their children is widespread. Like Mpapho, he opines that the incidence of parental abuse is a result of a departure from the traditional way of bringing up children. He longs for the good old days when bringing up children was a concerted effort. 'Too many parents have been influenced by foreign cultures that promote individualism and as a result, have become overprotective of their children making it difficult for community members of the public to openly disapprove of the misbehavior of somebody else's child,' says Malanga who also adds that some children blackmail their parents by threatening to commit suicide if they are denied what they want.    According to the Director of Lifeline, Vivian Gunda, her organization receives many cases of parent abuse. She says that this social phenomenon can be caused by lack of communication between the parent and the child. Gunda explains that if parents do not befriend their children, there will be no understanding between the two. 'Failure to communicate with one's child is usually the result of poor parenting skills on the part of the parent,' explains Gunda.  She feels that parents should be given support by way of equipping them to deal with the challenges associated with parenting adding that lack of parenting skills by some parents makes it difficult for them to guide their children. Drug and alcohol abuse contributes a great deal to the prevalence of parent abuse. Children who associate with bad people and are starved of role models in their immediate community are likely to adopt all forms of anti-social behaviour, including the abuse of their parents. Gunda adds that poverty contributes to domestic violence including parent abuse.  According to her, it helps to teach children modesty and self-control at an early age. 'A young child who is pampered with money is likely to become violent with the parent, if for example, the parent later fails to maintain that lifestyle perhaps because of economic constraints on his or her part,' she continues. 

Gunda says that although single mothers are more vulnerable to abuse by their children, fathers also suffer abuse. The Director of Lifeline, Onkemetse Mbazo opines that it is high time parents were educated to understand that as part of society, they need not suffer in silence. Mbazo, says that parents rarely present themselves as victims of abuse to her organisation, and she calls upon them to come out into the open about thi problem so they can be assisted.

A lecturer in the Department of Social Work at the University of Botswana, Log Raditlhokwa says that the problem of parent abuse is a reflection of the extent to which, society, the school system and church have failed. He calls upon parents to form family support groups lamenting that, 'Although the law binds parents to look after their children up to a certain age, it does not oblige children to look after their parents.'

This gives the children the opportunity to abdicate what, for all intents and purposes, is both a moral and social responsibility. 'Instead of contributing to the domestic economy by buying groceries or paying bills, some working children, prefer to use their money on themselves alone and expect the parents to foot the other bills,' complains the academic. Raditlhokwa, who is a born-again Christian says that neglecting one's parents is contrary to the law of God and therefore a sin.

Margaret Mosojane, the president of the Tatitown Customary Court says that the prevalence of parent abuse is a sign that Batswana live in abusive relationships. She reveals that she handles cases where young mothers disappear from home for days on drinking sprees leaving their children with their mothers at home. Not eager to be contacted, they switch off their phones.  

She agrees with Raditlhokwa that many children staying in their parents' home have got a very big sense of entitlement and very little sense of responsibility towards their parents or even younger siblings.  They do not show any sense of appreciation by at least paying rent hence helping the parents financially. Nor do they want to behave according to the standards set by the parent who is accommodating them.

Mosojane says that, 'Some children steal rent money from their parents for private use,' adding that, very often, parents get physically assaulted by their children. Giving an example of a 70 year-old woman who was recently beaten up by her 17 year-old grandchild, she says that some children would arrive in the middle of the night and arouse their parents from sleep demanding of the parent to serve them food.

'Parents have got the right to live their lives free of abuse and stress especially on their own premises,' adds the court president. She concludes that the solution lies in community leaders such as the priests, chiefs and politicians speaking out loudly and in unison against all the social ills that have become acceptable. It is her view that community leaders should advocate for the creation of a just society. Mosojane would like to see the creation of a forum for abused parents to assist them with coping mechanisms. She is also worried that since the problem of abuse is more prevalent in the poor and high-density neighborhoods where the majority of the people reside, it might engender instability at the lower echelons of society compromising the goals of Vision 2016.