When a partner claims back gifts

Tebogo Kgalemang
Correspondent | Monday November 22, 2010 00:00

Sadly, the majority of men who assist their girlfriends financially, view it as an investment as they believe that the more assistance they give, the better chance they stand to win the woman. Women on the other hand get into relationships for many reasons, some bad some good.

Many such cases are appearing before the customary courts today as men claim that women have abused them financially and subsequently broken up with them. In such instances, the men in question want to claim back whatever 'investments' they may have made on the women during the period they were in love.

A man who has lodged a case against his girlfriend before Tatitown Customary Court had this to say:

'I met my girl friend in Mathangwane and we later had a child together. When I first met her, I realised she was coming from a poor background and I supported her and her family financially with everything possible because I loved her and thought I had found a permanent partner. I paid for electricity connection at their home and I always assisted with my car every time they needed the assistance.

'I always took her mother to the hospital when she was sick. But to my surprise, the girl has now abandoned me.

I hear rumours that she is in Gaborone with my child. She took some of my property to her parents home in Mathangwane because she said it was not necessary to have a lot of furniture in the house we are renting,' said the man.

He said he had tried on many occasions to talk to the girl's parents but they would not listen.

Tati town customary court president Margaret Ludo Mosojane on Friday told The Monitor that they receive cases of this nature on a daily basis at her court.

She says men report that women have financially abused them, and subsequently abandoned them. 'Ba tla bare ba jelwe ke mosadi yo ba senang ngwana nae, jaanong mosadi yo, o fetogile maikutlo ga a sa tlhole a mmatla, jaanong ba batla gore mosadi yoo a mo duele ditshenyegelo.'

Mosojane says the issue of giving financial support to a girl friend is not new. She says the historical background is that in a relationship, 'monna o ne a fa mosadi sesepa' (a man was expected to buy his girlfriend soap) so that she can bath and wash her clothes.

'Nowadays the wealthy and famous men buy cars for their girlfriends, some connect electricity at the girls' home.

And now the questions that arise are, 'what are this man's expectations? What is the psychology of giving to a woman who has no obligations with you? Does the donor expect back or he is just appreciating?' Mosojane questioned.

The court president says there are however women out there who are bent on abusing men financially. She further says it is more disturbing that people are unable to tell the difference between genuine love and a financial digger.

Mosojane says the challenges in cases of this nature is whether the court should entertain claims where a man says 'he was in love with a girl and she has abused him financially and subsequently abandoned him, or should a girl keep the relationship because the boyfriend has spent so much on her?'

According to Mosojane, such cases should be looked at with sympathy. 'When addressing these issues at my court, I look at them with sympathy because it is in our culture that if a man takes out a woman, he is expected to do something for her. Yes, such a culture is there but unfortunately these are some of the things that lead to passion killings. 'Banna ba a becha fa bomme ba kgokolosa (men give women money to meet their needs while women on the other hand are digging),' Mosojane laments.

Monarch Customary court president Gunny Moses also receives cases of this nature every day at his court. He says the way he understands culture, such cases of mistresses are not supposed to be tried in courts. 'Re itse gore bonyatsi gabo sekwe mo setswaneng ka gore ke dilo tsa mafifi tse di senang bosupi.'

Moses further says these cases whereby men claim to have been abused financially by their girlfriends are modern issues. He says 'In Setswana gatwe korwe ke je ke bapalela tsetse. Kgang ya ke jele ke puo ya malatsi a.'

The court president says such issues are more common among people who are cohabiting. 'We see many young men and women nowadays staying together outside marriage. When their love ceases one comes and summons the other claiming that the partner has seized their belongings and they of course both try to defend themselves,' narrates the court president.

Moses says normally the man would claim that all the property belongs to him saying the girlfriend has not been working, and he has been giving her the money to buy everything in the house.

He says in defence the girl will also claim that she has been staying at home doing everything for the boyfriend while he is at work. He says the information they always get from the women is that at the end of the month, normally the boyfriend would give her some money to buy something for herself as appreciation. The women say they would then use this money to buy whatever is missing in the house it could be a bed or a fridge.

Meanwhile, Moses says at Monarch customary court they believe the property belongs to the person whose names appear on the receipts. But sometimes they give the parties an option of dividing the property.

'The man may be lonely and have a need for sex and companionship, while the woman may be looking for someone to help raise her children or to provide some financial support. While these are natural motives, and not necessarily negative, a relationship formed on the basis of chemistry, attraction, and common interests, comes under great stress when money comes into play.'

Marzullo says it is a bad decision to pay recurring bills or give money to a boyfriend or girlfriend. He says helping your friend on a very infrequent basis maybe fine but you must avoid the appearance of providing regular support prior to establishment of a formal relationship.

'Set boundaries and do not let the other partner redefine the relationship into something that you do not desire. Otherwise, you may be giving everything and getting nothing,' he say.