Unmarried fathers get a raw deal

Tebogo Kgalemang
Correspondent | Friday November 5, 2010 00:00

Many biological fathers decry that when these women get married to other men, the relationship between them and their children suffers, regardless of whether they have been supporting the children and have developed strong bonds with each other.

People say the main reason women get married to people who are not the biological fathers of their children is instability in today's relationships, which they characterise as unreliable and untrustworthy.

People also believe that a mother must ensure the wellbeing of her children and that the children grow next to them in order to give them all the parental love a child may need.

And that is why the mother would not leave her child behind when she gets married to another man.  The mother's wish is that she moves to greener pastures with her child so that they enjoy the same opportunities.

But what is more disturbing to the biological fathers is that when these women get married with their children, they want to destroy the bond between them and their children.

One father who spoke on condition of anonymity said he had been taking good care of his 11-year old son though his relationship with the mother had ceased.  He said there were no problems until the mother of the child got married to another man.

' I realised things were taking a nasty turn when they changed my son's sim cards frequently.  Sometimes I would go to his school to get his new number and when they discovered we were communicating, they would change the number again,' laments the man.

He says at one point, he lost his temper and forced himself into their house because he was missing his son badly.  'I did not have any intention of causing trouble. I only wanted to see my son.  But his mother and the husband called the police and I was arrested.' 

The father went on to say that he was not allowed to take his son to stay with him during school vacations as was the case before.

Tati Town Customary Court President, Margaret Mosojane, blames culture for giving the mother an upper hand over children born out of wedlock.

'These are just gender issues that give the mother more powers over children born out of wedlock and reduces the father to a mere sperm donor who has no emotions.  This is regardless of how he may have contributed materially to his child,' Mosojane points out.

Mosojane also challenged customary law,  a     which dictates that if a child is born outside marriage the father has to pay damages.  This, she said, ignores situations where both the mother and the father have agreed to make that child outside marriage.

The court president went on to say customary law dictates that single fathers have no right to decide the fate of their children. 'In Setswana, we say monna ga a sa nyala ga a na ngwana.'

This is supported by the fact that when a child is born, it takes its mother's surname until the father marries the mother,' she says.

Mosojane says there are some situations where after the baby is born, young women take their children to stay with the father's parents to take care of them.  'However, when it is convenient for them, these mothers will come and take the child away even in the absence of the care taker,' she says.

She cites to the story that was recently published in The Voice newspaper about a girl who had a child with a married pastor.  The court president sees a lot of cases where men complain that women deny them the right to see their children even though they have provided for them from pregnancy all the way.

In her view, these issues will eventually sabotage the powerful nation we think we will have by 2016. These are issues that smack of dishonesty and moral integrity. Mosojane says this also subjects the affected children to emotional trauma.

'To a child, his/her father is a father, not unmarried man.  Mothers should learn to negotiate with the biological father so that the child enjoys the love of both parents.' The customary court president wants young people to respect the wishes of their children so that they develop into contented adults.

Meanwhile, the Public Relations Officer of Francistown City Council, Priscilla Gulubane-Simula, says they address such issues on the merit of each case.  She says the single father cannot prevent the mother from marrying whomsoever she may want with their children, except where the father has been staying with the children under one roof.

'There are situations where mothers dump the children with the father and return to take the children when they get married.  That is when the man is allowed to have a say about the child.  But children over 10 years are called to decide which parent they want to stay with.'