Divorce but consider the children

ISAIAH MOREWAGAE
Staff Writer | Friday June 18, 2010 00:00

That was the last time their father spent the night at home.

Many times the youngest of the children would snuggle up to her mother: 'mommy where is daddy? I miss daddy,' and begin to cry. Her mother would hide her tears from the child. The children always talk about the day daddy came to take them to the park. Too sad he would not spend the night again as he was going for a trip far away. However he promises he will come back to take them to another good place. As he tells his little girls 'I love you,' then Nana, the youngest asks innocently, 'daddy akere you also love mommy?' He looks away to hide the mist that wants to form in his eyes. He has to find a way to tell the children that he and their mother are divorcing, but he knows the children, at four and six years are too young to understand. Both he and his about to be ex-wife dearly love the children and know the divorce will disappoint them, but they do not think there is another way about it. Sure thing though, is that the children will be hurt by their parents' split.'Divorce is quite traumatic on children, particularly the minor children,' says Jacob Manzunzu, who works as a deputy registrar at the high court.This, in Manzunzu's opinion is because the children are too young to appreciate what is happening except that they can feel that something is not right.'When you are born in a family, you think what you find is a permanent arrangement. And when as a child you find your parents fighting you get confused,' he says.Manzunzu says parents who fight over children's custody often force the courts to call the children.

' These children have all along not been part of the conflict, now they become victims. Suddenly your father and mother are fighting over you and property - it can be quite traumatic,' he says.Manzunzu says that although some parents may try to keep their fights from their children, the children often get to know anyway as they will immediately notice the change in small things that they have always taken for granted. 'It will show as there is a breakdown in communication - the children will automatically feel it,' he says. The coordinator of Childline Botswana, Onkemetse Mbazo says that children of divorce have more difficulty in school, more behaviour problems, often have low self-esteem and think they are worthless and bad. They also have more problems with peers and more trouble getting along with their parents.

'It is unfortunate, but it is true: when a couple is going through a divorce, the children are often the ones most affected, and are often the ones that are given the least amount of attention. Children can be severely traumatised by divorce, especially if the divorce is a nasty one, and/or if there is a prolonged or an intense custody battle', Mbazo said.Worse the children may have no one to see to their emotional status. This is because each parent is suffering, in his or her own way, and does not have enough emotional strength to support anyone else except themselves. The children may not have access to or may not have a sympathetic grandparent, aunt, uncle, older brother or sister or, even a teacher, to confide in.

Having endured the misery of hearing their parents rant for months before the separation - or, equally stressful, observed the unbearable atmosphere of silent tension - children often do not know to whom they can turn.

There is no one to reassure them that what is happening is not their fault, to reassure them that though their parents may loathe each other, each one does love them deeply. As a result young children often feel confused, hated, and isolated and unwanted and lonely. You would want to believe Mbazo, for she deals with children of divorce on a daily basis. ' ' Last year we handled 719 telephone cases, and those involving divorce comprised 53 percent of that number.' That is in addition to 21 face-to-face interactions at their Gaborone office.Mbazo advises divorcing parents to open up to children who are old enough to appreciate what is happening.  However Mbazo warns against parents staying together for the sake of the children. Parents, she says should not stay together for the sake of the children if they are going to be fighting as before, as that can equally affect children. 'If there is no more love and partners see that they can no longer live  together, they should just separate because the reason for staying in a relationship or marriage that is not working may end up hurting the kids. One way or the other children are going to notice that something is not right between the parents', she said.

Once they split, parents should establish co-parenting arrangements after the divorce to reduce conflict by staying clear of any discussion about their relationship.

'Focus instead on what is in the best interests of your children, and what you can reasonably do to support your child's positive and strong relationship with both parents. Establish clear, agreed upon boundaries to reduce pain and protect the children from any unresolved marital conflict,' Mbazo advises. Continued conflict, which continues to trap children in the middle, even after divorce, is the greatest predictor of poor adaptation in children of divorce.

This week the world celebrated youth week. Perhaps parents, lawyers, judges, social workers and anyone who has anything to do with children of divorcing or splitting parents could individually and collectively find a way of making life a little less miserable for the children. Lawyers and the courts would do well to have a directory of places to send divorcing parents for lessons, if only to save the children all that trauma.