Only the sjambok will bring results

BAME PIET | Friday July 9, 2010 00:00

I have nobody but myself to blame for failing to implement a new-year resolution that I made at the beginning of each of the past four years. I have always wanted to own a sjambok that will occupy a special space in my jalopy.

I failed to implement the idea because in our Tswana culture we barely implement, only to wish we should have done that when things are bad.

Look at how our government failed in the past to implement projects until the arrival of this thing called Global Financial Crisis. Now the ministers and government officials have found a good excuse, which they preach at every encounter they have with the public.

'As you all know, the recent global economic meltdown has not spared our country, so this and that project will not be implemented,' they say every time they meet with us, the ordinary folks. Rubbish!

The other day a minister was asked why his ministry could not join Facebook and his answer was that government has run out of funds and once the economy recovers he will do exactly that.

Either the poor minister was not aware that this thing called Facebook is joined free of charge or cabinet members are so obsessed with the recession that they no longer can think properly.

Recent events have changed the way I view and have been doing things and I have decided to take action. I have decided to buy myself a sjambok to cure this ailment, which doctors say comes only during the week. 

When I enquired further on my condition, I learned that the reason I am having this problem during the week is because of a certain class of society; taxi drivers. When I come to work in the morning I find myself tired with the blood pressure having gone up. It stabilises during the day only to go up again in the evening when I reach my place. I think the sjambok is the only consolation left for me.

With my sjambok I am going to whip every taxi or combi driver who drives right in front of my car, or just stops when it is not safe to do so.

I am going to pull aside and whip him before I drive off. This thing will go on for at least three months when I will present a report to the President Ian Khama.

I know he will definitely give me support on this one. I will then make a proposal that we employ youth in big cities where taxi drivers are causing havoc. Their mandate will be to instill discipline in the heads of this human species.

A year later I will present another report to the President and this time, I am confident, there would be changes in the way taxi drivers do their business in cities. With a good report I will propose that the President appoints me Minister of Discipline in Public Transport. He will definitely create a ministry for me once he hears my proposal.

I will suggest to him that the ministry should be equipped with sjamboks and present employment opportunities for youth, and will call for computerisation of my ministry and its services. Once I have made good a friendship with the President, I will suggest to him that we privatise some of the services under my ministry.

Ha ha ha! Immediately after such services have been privatised, I will invite my relatives to bid for tenders to keep law and order on our roads. I will make sure that they get the tenders and always tell the President to calm down because everything is under control.

I know that the closer I get to the President the less he will question my dealings and those of my relatives. I will also advise my relatives to wear red clothes to show support for the President and call each and every radio station defending him.

After five years as a minister I will present a report that will show that there is order among taxi drivers as by then they would all be preaching discipline. I will then propose that my sjambok be put in a safe place at the National Museum where there would be an officer 24/7 explaining to visitors the history of the sjambok.

I will also propose that he grant me a State Funeral when the man above calls me. I am going to die a national hero and my sjambok will remain a national property with patenting rights in my name.