How to discuss death with children

| Thursday December 16, 2010 00:00

 

Death is a part of life, and if we don't answer children's questions, we may leave them alone with their fears and unprotected from their fantasies.

Answering children's questions about death can be very difficult. You may find the following points useful:

Children tend to ask their questions in the middle of everyday conversations. Don't be surprised if they change the subject abruptly when they've had enough. They'll take in as much as they can manage. You don't have to give all the information in one session.

Accept that these conversations will feel uncomfortable. Whatever is said is just an opening, even if the words come out clumsily, the child will know that you valued them enough to make an attempt.

If young children ask what 'dead' means, it can be helpful to say something concrete and specific such as, 'A dead body can't breath, can't eat and won't ever wake up.'

Check what they've understood by asking them to repeat it back to you. If it comes back in their words and still makes sense, you know they've got the message.

There aren't always answers. It's all right to say, 'I don't know.'

Be prepared for them to come back with more questions when they've taken in the answers to the first ones.

If the subject is painful for you, it may be helpful to tell them why. For instance, you could explain that you find it tough to talk about death because you're still feeling bereaved from a previous loss, perhaps of your own parent.

Remember that children need realistic reassurance. Most people do die when they're old, but young people and even children die of serious illness or in accidents occasionally.

Children are often curious about rituals and may ask lots of questions about what a funeral is. One possible answer might be: 'A funeral is a special time when everybody who knew the person who died can come together to remember them. There are often special prayers and songs. Some people cry. Everyone thinks a lot about the person who died.'

Children's books on death and griefBelow is a list containing a few suggested titles. By no means does it encompass everything that's available. Many of these books can be bought from high street retailers as well as online bookstores. There's a huge range out there - do explore for yourself.

*Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley (Collins Picture Lions)*The Original Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams (Mammoth)*Remembering Grandad by Sheila and Kath Isherwood (Oxford University Press)*What Do We Think About Death? by Karen Bryant-Mole (Wayland)

* Barbara Monroe is director of the Candle Project at St Christopher's Hospice in south-east London. Frances Kraus is a Candle Project leader. The Candle Project offers counselling and support for bereaved children, and advice for schools, parents and healthcare professionals. (BBC)