About stag parties and bridal showers

RUSSO LUMA
Correspondent | Monday December 13, 2010 00:00

Both married and unmarried men normally arrange a stag party for a husband-to-be for the sole purpose of orienting him about marriage and what to expect.

Questions like 'How did you meet your wife-to-be? What made you propose love to her? What makes you think you love her?' are asked. There are many other questions asked and married men will share their experiences at this forum. 'It is important that this is done to familiarize whoever will be getting married with some of the things he will come across in his marriage. Some of the experiences shared in that room come as a shock to them.

Some men will make it clear that they never thought some of the things they hear can happen in marriages.

That's what underscores how vital this activity is,' says Johnson Ngwagwa, 47, who has been married for 10 years.

Only married men can be part of this orientation. Married men together with the husband-to-be get into a room in which no man who is unmarried is allowed. It is a complete No, for anyone unmarried to get into this room.

'Salang lo apaya malwela. (All those who are still competing for women with other men out there, remain behind cooking).' It is jokingly said, but it is in some way discriminatory and at the same time indirectly suggesting to bachelors that they should get married. This is one of the utterances one would hear as married men head for the chosen room.

Bachelors at times hit back; by jokingly cursing that all those married would soon divorce. By saying such things they run the risk of being fined for being 'disrespectful'. At such an occasion bachelors should watch their mouths in the presence of married men as anything that sounds disrespectful to them is punishable through a fine.

Sometimes the orientation takes up to two hours and bachelors have to patiently wait despite empty stomachs.

They cannot serve food before the orientation session is over. They can only helplessly complain of hunger. This is the opportunity for some to say offensive stuff about married men. 'Ke eng ba tsaya lebaka le le kana. Ga ba itse gore re tsherwe ke tlala! (Why are they taking so long? Don't they know that we are hungry?' Once they are out, bachelors have to serve them food. This is another way of showing them they are still 'boys'. Married men continue teasing them about their bachelorhood. They call them 'boys' regardless of their age.

'We can't allow unmarried men into the orientation room because they have no story to tell about marriage. They don't know anything about marriage so it would be an anomaly to have them in there. There are some things said which should only be heard by married men. Some of the things can scare bachelors from marrying that is one of the reasons why they shouldn't be allowed in there,' Botshelo Tanki said, but refused to reveal what those things are. Finally, the husband-to-be is given presents.

Bridal parties are more or less similar to stag parties. Women come together to orientate the wife-to-be. They also ask her questions relating to how she met her husband-to-be. 'Some of the questions asked are too personal and I can't share them with you. Just like in stag parties, this is a marriage orientation where a woman is ushered into marriage. Only married women orientate her, sharing their experiences about marriage. No unmarried woman is allowed to say anything about marriage to this woman. 'Any unmarried woman that tries to do so invites the question, 'O nyetswe wena? (Are you married.' In the end, she is given presents and mostly it's things she will use in her new how,' says 35 year-old Grace Mado.