Better that mother and daughter-in-law live apart

PINI BOTLHOKO
Correspondent | Monday April 26, 2010 00:00

It may start as a feud between the two, but before you know it, the husband, kids, father-in-law and other relatives are also drawn into the conflict.

It is not always the mother-in-law's fault when in-law relationships are rocky. As women, these people are similar in their emotional makeup. Both need to learn to relate properly. The mother-in-law should know that when her son's wife joins the family, she becomes a full member of the family and should be treated like the other members of the family. 

Phemelo Mokalake, a man of 43 years of age, who has been married for two years now, says that Batswana use their rights wrongly by ill-treating others. In his view, most mothers-in-law do not to welcome their sons' wives.

There should be mutual respect between the two with the mother-in-law recognising the fact that the new woman is somebody's wife who should be given room to exercise her own authority without necessarily deferring to anybody other than her husband.

She must, however, respect her mother-in-law's opinion, borne of age and wisdom. She should have the humility to admit her mistakes.

Onalenna Gaebotswe, 41 years of age, who has been married for 13 years, says that usually before a man gets married, he looks after his parents and other members of the family but, upon marrying, his obligations shift to his wife and children.

The fact that he now consults his wife more than his own parents will cause them to accuse him of no longer taking notice of them.  Further, the fact that he now has his own family means that he will give less material support to his parents who will then accuse the daughter-in- law of having cast a spell on their son.

They might even accuse the daughter-in-law of being a control freak that never gives their son room to give them attention.

Even after consenting to the marriage of their sons, most mothers remain cautious that her influence on her son is not disconnected.

The conflict is really about each of the women seeking to gain or retain a certain status over the boy and claim attention and rights over him.

Peterson Machekumba, 45 years old, says these fights are caused by greed, usually by the mother -in- law when she notices that her son no longer gives her the support he gave her before marrying.

Competition for attention leads to jealousy, mutual hatred and eternal conflicts.

Machekumba goes on to say that some daughter's-in-law are so stingy that they will not allow their husbands to give any material assistance to their parents or extended family members.

Dimakatso Mokopi (40), married for 10 years, says that the hatred between women is natural as both are indeed competing for resources from their son and husband respectively. 

She further says that sometimes parents from the husband' side will want to discuss some family issues without her consent and she will feel offended by this exclusion and become even more possessive of her husband.

In her view, conflicts tend to be worse if the women stay in the same compound.

She recommends that the best way out of this is for the married couple to move out and find their own accommodation to avoid quarrels over petty issues.