The sins of our fathers

NDABA NKOMO | Friday April 16, 2010 00:00

The oldest book on earth states: 'It is not good for a man to be alone.' It prescribes that  'a man shall leave his father's house and cling to his wife all the days of his life'. This wisdom is known by a few in our societies today, albeit going against this 'old fashioned' way of doing things has left many catastrophes in our communities.

According to figures provided by the Central Statistics Office (CSO), though not updated for a while, there are 159 520 married women in Botswana, compared to a total of 546 185, the national total for women. This information suggests that the trend is not marriage, and means more than 65 percent of women are single in Botswana.

However, CSO officials would not comment. 'Our responsibility is to compile this information for public records, not to scrutinise it,' noted an official. Mme Ntombi Setshwaelo, a renowned counsellor and women's rights activist, notes that responsibilities, duties and roles expected of members of society have collapsed. She attributes this to a number of factors, including Botswana's demographics of men and women in which the latter outnumbers the former, and some men's failure to take responsibility.

'But it should be noted that this is not a new phenomenon,' Setshwaelo says. 'Even some children of my generation grew up under single parents. The only difference could be that it has become a lot worse. Fathers tend to desert the mothers of their children who are then forced to fend for themselves and their children. The escalating divorce rates are not helping the situation either.'

Our country knows few nuclear families with a mother and a father contributing to their children's wellbeing. Most children born in Botswana are out of wedlock and the trend will not change any time soon. Single parents, mostly women, fend for their children and make huge sacrifices. The world has changed, of course, but should we change everything about our customs? Where are the men? Where are the fathers of our society?

In this equation, men are found wanting. The fathers of the society seem to fear responsibility and shy away from facing up to their duties.

This article is not about whom to blame but finding solutions so we may repair our society. I have seen many pregnant women visit the clinic alone, not because their men are at work but because they did not own up to their responsibility. 'I have forced 13 abortions with different women,' says a man in his early 30s who identifies himself only as Lush. 'With me it's about the morning-after pill. If the woman refuses what happens to her afterwards, it is not my responsibility. I am just not ready to be a father.'

Beauty Manyande blames the trend on teenage pregnancies. 'School going teenagers start experimenting with sex and the results are single parenting because the boy will not be ready to accept responsibility as a father,' she says. 'The girl has no choice but to carry the burden. Such experiences do not encourage family units.'

According to a colleague who requested anonymity, 'women have gained a lot of independence in Botswana. If you waste their time, they do not wait for you; they move on with their lives. Most women in this country work and can fend for themselves. Gone are the days when a woman would wait for a man's salary and be at his mercy. If she has your child and you start playing games, she takes her child, puts it in the best private schools and forgets all about you. Life is changing and changing fast.' A desk survey of different age groups of adults that I conducted suggests that few men are interested in marriage. Of the 20 phone calls I made, only four said they were looking for life partners. The rest would rather have girlfriends or opted for co-habitation, which is having a live-in partner. Co-habitation has its own evils. Says Linda Waide, a Professor of Sociology with an interest in co-habitation: 'The parenting role of a cohabiting partner toward children of the other person is vaguely defined, making cohabitation an unstable living arrangement for children. The non-parent partner - the man in the substantial majority of cases - has no explicit legal, financial, supervisory or custodial rights or responsibilities regarding the children of his partner.

This ambiguity and lack of enforceable claims by either cohabiting partner or child makes investment in the relationship dangerous for both parties and makes 'Mom's boyfriend' a weak and shifting base from which to discipline and guide children.'

According to a medical practitioner who requested anonymity, 'to replace marriage, society has come up with 'solutions' such as having long-term partners, multiple sex partners, girlfriends or boyfriends and co-habitation. But none of these are sustainable.  Marriage is the only solution to our dilemma.  With marriage comes responsibility to your spouse and your children. This makes up a home, which provides a good foundation for the mental, spiritual, physical and social development of any child of that marriage. Everything else is risky and dangerous.'

The one gift provided to mankind for peace of mind and safe sensual pleasure by the Maker is marriage. With proper counselling, responsibility and a good degree of maturity, this institution can still work in our time.

This is so that our children may grow up under the careful guidance of both parents in a home, a safe haven in which to grow up and nurture these young minds. There is no dignity in children counting a mother's boyfriends and breaking up and finding new ones. Marriage may not be a perfect institution. But in a world in which nothing is, marriage is the best solution to our current societal problems.

I think it is high time we revisited our 'modernisation'.