Let Robert Mugabe keep his job

DON MARTIN ROPAFADZO | Friday April 16, 2010 00:00

I am appalled that the MDC, with its western backers, is advertising for President Robert Mugabe's job. I hear that some counter-revolutionaries are saying that our country is in a desperate search for a hangman.

There are more than 50 death row inmates, some of whom have been waiting to be hanged for 15 years and are itching for the noose.

They are impatient and cannot wait anymore; I can not agree with them more.This is of grave concern, pardon the expression. They should not wait anymore.If their country says that they gotta die, let them die and let them die pronto.I wouldn't be surprised if some death row inmates are being visited in prison by children produced during the rape and murder of their mothers.It's been that long. But we have no hangman. We have a crisis on our hands.

We fail to feed our people, including those on death row. We fail to send our kids to school, including those whose fathers are on death row for raping and murdering their mothers.

We fail to treat our sick in our hospitals, including those on death row. We fail to govern ourselves and we fail to hang our own condemned prisoners.

Our condemned men and women cannot be hanged because there reportedly is no one available in a country full of ZANU-PF murderers, who are always pardoned by Mugabe.

I, including those on death row, cannot accept this.I am surprised that President Mugabe allowed people to languish on death row for 15 years when he could have let ZANU-PF goons into those prisons to do what they do in the countryside.But I think I understand the man now. Mugabe kills those who want to live and let live those who have reason to die.

It is called torture, for there is no greater pain than to remain alive when one prefers death to the torture that's being inflicted on them; there is no greater torture than to be killed for having committed no crime. And we have people who have not been hanged because 'Zimbabwe is desperately looking for a hangman'.

Those people are not celebrating an extra hour or day of life; they do not consider each extra day as a bonus.Their mere existence is torture; either hang them or spare them.

Fifteen years after being condemned to death, they are still counting the endless hours because there is no one available to hang them? I can't believe this. The world is full of hangmen.

For starters, those alleged ZANU-PF murderers like Kitsiyatota and Joseph Mwale have not been considered.They have a proven track record and should be prime contenders for this job. There is also the added advantage that they would continue with their favourite pastime but this time without officially being called murderers.They will be killing people legally.

ZANU-PF has thousands of deserving hangmen and women who should be jostling for this post.I find if funny that the country is said to find itself without a hangman. I have always thought that the job already belonged to Mugabe and am not aware that he had retired from it and that his replacement was being sort. This is one dude who has unmarked graves in almost all parts of Zimbabwe and why the prison authorities want to fire the Dear Leader from his hangman's job is cause for concern. Some people just don't appreciate talent. They are jealousy; they should let Mugabe keep his job.I would hate it if the job were to be given to those Iraq bunglers who hanged Saddam Hussein.

I mean, Saddam literally hanged himself while those morons kept trying to remember quotations from the Quran instead of getting on with the job.They covered their faces with balaclavas and did not even know there was someone filming the whole thing.They too were surprised to see themselves starring on Internet videos, saying words the Quran does not condone.In the end, the video showed Saddam to be more courageous than those hanging monkeys. Saddam even assisted them while the hangmen were yapping something about Saddam rotting in hell.No, I wouldn't like it if the job were to go to a foreigner. Foreigners are no good.

Besides, there is something sinister about a foreigner legally hanging our citizens.Wait, I hope that is not the reason why another seasoned hangman is coming to Zimbabwe under the guise of opening the Zimbabwe International Trade Fair. Is Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really coming to officiate at the opening of the fair or is he coming for an interview for the hangman's job?After all, he is just as much of a seasoned hangman as our own Robert Mugabe is and I am sure Mugabe would want someone equally qualified to take over his job.

But like I said, I wouldn't like it if the job went to a foreigner. There is always an element of racism involved.Imagine, an Iranian, Iraq or an Arab hanging our people under order from our own black president.The Arabs are already doing it in Sudan's Darfur province and are now trying to muscle in into the lucrative Zimbabwean market.No, foreigners won't do.

But I know locals are scared of it.In our society, murder appears preferable to being a hangman. Imagine coming home for Christmas and telling your kin that you had a busy season and deserve some rest since you hanged 50 people who should have been hanged decades ago? I can imagine the old men and uncles looking at each other  and nodding their heads in satisfaction as they bask in the glory of their son's impressive hard work and the results thereof...until a cousin or other member of the extended family returns home to summon all elders and complain that there is a tokoloshi that's decimating his family because 'there is one among us who has killed at random and did not bother to exorcise the ghosts' of his dead victims. I can envisage the poor folks going into a scrum of whispered consultations.

They know who is killing people but won't be able to do anything about it because their son kills within the bounds of law. But the tokoloshi does not know that, does heThe tokoloshi wants blood so he feasts on the hangman's relatives to apply more pressure on the family.It's called collateral damage and the extended family always rises up in arms and boldly accuses one of their own. 'Grandma, you remember that friend of mine who was here for Christmas last year?' Joshua asks her grandma.'Oh, yes!' grandma answers, hoping that his grandson's friend had sent her a little present as always. 'Well,' says Joshua, 'his brother was hanged last week and their family says my brother is the one who hanged his elder brother.

Is it true, grandma?' No, the hangman's job can't go to a local.

Tribal wars are likely to flare up.

The job can't go to a local and it can't go to a foreigner either. So what do we do? Zimbabwe does not need a hangman; just let Mugabe keep his job.

He has been a fine hangman to date.