When a parent becomes a silent witness

Victoria Seiketso Sethibe | Thursday July 7, 2016 16:50

Below are some examples of situations where parents make deliberate decisions to be in denial or even worse, defense of their troublesome children:

 

Case 1

*Meleko is a 21-year-old boy who is consistently acting against authority. He has several cases of indiscipline ranging from violence to theft.

Meleko started deteriorating from a polite, respectful young boy to a deviant teenager when his parents developed a high conflict relationship and eventually separated when he was 12-years-old.

Meleko and his two younger sisters remained under full time custody of their father while their mother moved houses. Out of anger, Meleko’s mother developed the tendency to wrongfully blame their father whenever the children showed the slightest imperfection, during the weekend visits to their mother’s place.

Meleko’s father, on the other hand, felt the urge to defend his parenting style by denying any wrongdoing by the children, even if feedback about his children came in the form of constructive criticism.

His typical response to any reports about Meleko and his siblings’ wrongdoing was “These people are obsessed with framing my children.” 

As a result, Meleko and her siblings did as they pleased knowing very well that their father would do whatever it took to defend them.

They developed this unrealistic idea that the whole world would dance to their tune. Currently, Meleko is serving a term in jail due to his criminal activities and this has caused stress to both his parents.

 

Case 2

*Inalebe is a 15-year-old angry girl who is consistently caught idling with a group of delinquent boys in shopping malls, even in the late hours of midweek nights when she is supposed to be at home sleeping.

Inalebe’s anger stems from her awareness about her mother’s lifestyle, which she is not proud of.

Having to single-handedly raise five young children, Inalebe’s mother finds herself having to rely on several partners to help her put bread on the table for her five young children, something she admits she is not proud of and is working towards changing.

Whenever Inalebe’s mother is called for her teenage daughter’s disciplinary hearing by authorities in their community, the mother would deliberately do whatever it takes to deny her daughter’s capability to be involved in deviant activities like such as drinking, especially in non-drinking areas like public transport, and prostitution.

During disciplinary hearings, Inalebe would typically put on her ‘If you do not have a sin, cast down your stone’ facial expression. This would be just a strategy to blackmail the mother and put her under pressure to be in constant denial in order to cover up for Inalebe so that the teenage girl would not spill the beans about her mother’s own problematic life.

It is clear from the two case scenarios above that whenever parents are in denial about children’s deviant behavior, they create crises, not only for the community, but for the children as well.

What really makes parents to be in denial about their children’s deviant behaviour?

 

To defend their parenting style from the other parent

In a case where parents compete against each other in raising children, the parent who spends more time with the children is likely to make a deliberate decision to be in denial whenever there is any mention of wrong doing by the children, as in Case 1 above.

The whole point of such denial would be to protect the concerned parent’s style of raising children. Such parents feel personally attacked by any reports of their children’s wrong doing.

 

To protect their own self image

As reflected in Case 2, Inalebe’s mother had something to hide and tried very hard to ‘make it up to’ her daughter because she did not want Inalebe to expose her.

Their relationship was based on a ‘scratch my back I will scratch yours’ approach. This is especially harmful as Inalebe learnt from an early age how to manipulate and use her mother to her advantage, while her mother was forced to succumb to her daughter’s will.

Such parents are more worried about protecting themselves and putting their self-interests above their children.