Happy? New Year

Thulaganyo Jankie | Monday January 13, 2020 12:27

The New Year starts with a large dose of optimism. The New Year starts with a nation of 90% broke individuals. Any nation that kicks off the year with any hint of pessimism needs to be colonised again

We are a nation that knows how to cook its own goose or more precisely almost everyone has a special pot and recipe to cook their own goose.

As soon as December starts all that advice of tightening the purse strings and financial diligence is flushed down the toilet like it is some faecal irritant. We wade into December with all manner of swagger and loosen the purse strings, loosen the seat-belts. Hell, some even loosen the condoms! We are so fond of calling it a happy new year even though for most it starts on a very unhappy note. For many when the 2nd of January rolls in you are stuck in your home village with no bus fare to get back to your work.

This is the point where you become creative in trying to siphon off money from everyone in your phone list if your phone has not been taken for wealth redistribution by those darned bag-snatchers. But there is a problem. 6 out of every 4 people you call are in exactly the same situation. Just that you called before they did. You then reluctantly push your pride down your oesophagus and ask for bail out from your mother who is on old age pension. January is a season when the stock of cabbage rises. January is a season where the roadside is littered with fitness enthusiasts who now cannot afford the gymnasium in the super-mall. It is a season of phillibao, compact bouquet, short hair, machonisa, meatless diet, vegetables. Basically anything that cuts costs.

Spare a thought for us hopeless romantics (well, my wife calls me that). We cannot even use the word ‘date’ for the first 3 months of the year unless we are referring to the fruity type.

There are books on How To Lose Weight, How to Argue and Win Every Time, How to Play A Flute While Painting An Elephant’s Toenails etc. However, the How To authors still haven’t published any book on How To Ace January or a variation of the same. From my calculations I guarantee that here in our lovely republic at least 1.5 million copies will be sold.

2020 has a nice ring to it and before long you will hear how this is a special year of luck in the Chinese calendar courtesy of social media prophets.

The veracity of these predictions is still to be tested but here is my take. In all my life I have never heard of a whole nation that gets lucky in one year and prosper at the same time.

If at all this has happened in any country that means there has been a slew of migrant labour in that country since no rich man does menial tasks like cleaning the yard, weeding the garden and flossing dog’s teeth.

Happy New Year? Well, it is just another new year and far from happy. At least at the start. Year of prosperity for all? Never.