Traditional marriages

GASEBALWE SERETSE
Staff Writer | Friday October 23, 2009 00:00

 

In the past, the institution was so highly regarded in that it could determine one's status in the community and society at large. Single women of age were shunned as mafetwa and every parent's wish was to marry off his or her daughter. A man of age who was likewise not married was also poorly regarded and banned from attending meetings and events exclusive to married men. For example, bachelors were not allowed to attend patlo (an event where potential in-laws visit a would-be bride's place to ask for her hand in marriage) and during Kgotla meetings they had little say at times risking being humiliated publicly during debates because of their marriage status.

According to African tradition among the Sotho-Tswana people, elders arranged the union between prospective suitors and women. To avoid temptation, they were kept in separate quarters. Just before the boys and the girls approached manhood and womanhood respectively, they would be taken to separate initiation schools, bogwera and bojale. At bogwera, boys would be taught manly duties and how to be responsible men in the society. They were also taught about marriage and how to be responsible heads of their families. Likewise at bojale, girls were taught how to be responsible women in the society and they were also coached about what marriage entailed. After attending the initiation schools the boys would graduate into manhood while girls graduated into womanhood and this would mean that they were now ready to marry.

Being a patriarchal society, the traditional Setswana marriage was arranged by the young man's paternal uncles. The uncles would look for a good family and identify a 'beautiful' girl for the young man with or without his consent. A good family meant a family that was not given to drunkenness, witchcraft and general irresponsibility. A beautiful girl meant one that showed prudence, it had nothing to do with physical attributes. As a Tswana proverb goes, 'Mosadi tshwene o jewa matsogo'(A woman must not be judged according to her outward looks, it is her prudence that counts).'

Patlo
Once the desired woman was identified, the negotiation process (patlo) would start and a delegation would be sent to the potential in-laws to ask for the young woman's hand in marriage.

Go batla mosadi could be a long process and the young man's family was expected to appease the girl's family by buying them gifts and showing extraordinary humility and courtesy towards the girl's side during negotiations.

When the two families reached an agreement about the marriage, negotiations for bogadi (bride-price) in form of cattle would begin. Most Batswana merafe preferred to get an even number of cattle and the 'value' of the bride would more often than not depend on her family background, botho, beauty and in recent years, her educational background.

Lenyalo and go laya
The highlight of any lenyalo would be the day when the actual wedding ceremony took place.

At both homesteads of the would-be bride and groom, preparations for the feast would take place. Cattle would be slaughtered and traditional beer would be aplenty. With the coming of the Europeans, the menu at weddings greatly improved with the introduction of bread, ginger-beer, rice, salads and desserts. Under normal circumstances, the wedding party would start at the bride's place where those in attendance would sing wedding songs, ululate and eat food.

Elderly married women would counsel (laya) the bride about what was expected of her as a wife and a potential mother.

One of the sayings during go laya includes, Monna ga a botswe gore o tswa kae, which suggests that the actions of the husband as the head of the families should not be questioned. After the party at the girl's place, there would be a handover ceremony at the boy's place where more often than not there would be another feast.  Thus would be the beginning of the marriage and the couple would be expected to produce heirs for the boy's family since as mentioned before, Batswana were mostly a patriarchal society.
According to the Embassy of Botswana in Japan website, 'After the marriage has take place, the two families regard each other as relatives bound together by the marriage of their children.'

Although Batswana still appreciate most aspects of lenyalo la Setswana, nowadays, it has been greatly influenced by the Western culture. In most cases, patlo, bogadi and go laya are still practised but other things such as the bridal gowns, bridal parties and modern wedding marches and dances have been introduced.

One of the discarded customs among the Batswana include go batlela mosadi (to choose a wife for a young man) and the Bangwato were some of the first Batswana merafe to discard it under Khama III's Christian reforms as one Mongwato alluded in a kgotla meeting in the late 40s, 'It was customary to find wives for our sons but Khama objected to this custom and procedure because whenever there was a divorce case, the parties often blamed their parents.'

Fortunately, most aspects of lenyalo la Setswana, albeit in a modified form have survived the ravages of Western influence.