I Liked Another Guy

Ashley Thaba | Monday March 16, 2020 16:02

We are tackling the issue of Gender Based Violence at the root causes.

We did this because we feel so much time and money is spent making us AWARE there is a problem with Gender Based Violence, but there seems to be an absence of similar time and resources spent on trying to actually find SOLUTIONS to the problem.

Clearly the solution is multi-faceted and something that no one person could singlehandedly fix, however, I believe it calls on each one of us to do our little part at trying to be part of changing the status quo.

Consequently, my husband and I decided to address this important social ill in this week’s episode with a desire to try and discuss possible solutions.  As he and I prayed about how to address this issue, one of the things that came to mind as a contributing factor was insecurity. When a partner loses someone and they feel their identity is somehow compromised, that causes extreme insecurity. Perhaps their father left them early on and they remember the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of grief, the feelings of pain and frustration and consequent embarrassment that their dad didn’t stick around.

At a young age, they couldn’t do anything about that event that negatively affected so many aspects of their upbringing. Now at an older age, they find love, or so they think, and this time they have some power in their hands, or so they think, to keep that loved one from leaving them.

There is an obvious temptation to do whatever it takes to keep oneself from going through the pain of losing a loved one again if your identity is tied up in NEEDING a person to love you to make you feel valuable.

In this show, we actually gave an example of a time when Percy and I were dating and I started having feelings for another man at a point where we were dating long distance when I lived in America and he lived in Canada. I hardly saw him and yet this other guy was a guy I worked with and saw regularly. Being an honest person, I told Percy I was starting to have feelings for another man. He shares on this episode very candidly the emotions he went through. I feel it would be very beneficial for all to hear, regardless of whether GBV is a part of your life, because he talks about the temptation to control something he really didn’t have control over – my heart.

And that is one of the keys – understanding that no amount of physical power ever gives you the power to control other people’s hearts and emotions. Even if you manage to ruthlessly beat them into physically staying, you will never beat their heart into loving you. That is a decision of their will and their mind and one that you have NO CONTROL over!

He shares the various options he weighed over in his mind until he came to the realisation that he had done all he could to offer me his best. Ultimately, if that wasn’t enough and I thought this other guy was better suited for me then as a person who confessed to love me, he should want my best and want me to be happy – even if that wasn’t with him. He also realised HE DESERVED a woman that WANTED him, not because he was threatening me but because I genuinely wanted him. He knew his self-worth and that he was too special to beg a girl to stay with him. See if he had to force me to stay with him in the dating phase, he would have had to force me for the rest of our lives. He would never feel genuinely loved and I would never really love a man who didn’t let me freely choose him. True love is an individual choice.

But, he also addressed that he was able to know his self-worth because he is completely secure in the fact that God loves him. He talked about how much that has strengthened his love for himself to know that Jesus died for him, that God never sleeps or slumbers watching over him, that God is a friend in need who will never leave him nor forsake him, that God promises he fearfully and wonderfully made Percy carefully knitting him together in his mother’s womb, that God knows the plans He has for Percy – to prosper him and give him a great future, that God is a heavenly Father and daily counsellor guiding his path to an abundant life, etc.

Because Percy is convinced to the core of his soul that he is a valuable person worthy of love and the recipient of a love that will NEVER LEAVE him, he decided to set me free. He decided to express to me that he knew his value and wanted me to be happy. Although he had hoped we would be happy together, if I didn’t feel Percy was the guy I wanted to be with, Percy trusted the God who promised to give him the desires of his heart, would bring another woman more special than me. I was free to make my choice.

Once I realised how secure Percy was, that he loved me to the point he wanted my happiness over his own, and that he knew how valuable he was, I didn’t think twice about my decision. I had Prince Charming and I would be a fool to let him go. That is the key we also need to teach – the most attractive quality in a partner is someone who loves themselves and out of that love, they genuinely love others.

Please don’t miss this Sunday 7:30 pm. BTV. Set your cell alarm and spread the word. We are praying this particular show will help many people and strengthen many families who are dealing silently with this heavy and prevalent issue of GBV.

Contact: askthaba@gmail.com or Facebook page: Talking with the Thabas

Ashley Thaba is a popular motivational speaker and life coach. She is the author of the well-known books, Conquering the Giants and Dive In, which can be bought at Exclusive Books. She also facilitates corporate team building and wellness activities. You can view some of her work on her YouTube channel: Ashley Thaba.