Inventions We Are Waiting For

Thulaganyo Jankie | Monday March 16, 2020 16:08

Friendzone metre

Men, the eternal optimists, misread a greeting, a wink and a pat as a cue to get on the romance ship. On a daily basis ladies have to make a choice between being civil or being downright rude to ward off advances from men merely because they said ‘hi’ or ‘hey’. Note that ‘hey’ is now actually an accepted form of greeting in social circles and social media.  Men usually suffer elephantitis of the ego and mistake that wink for being smitten.  Some of these men have moral claims to being hunks as Idi Amin had to being the king of Scotland.

It would at least ensure that the ladies don’t do a hatchet job on your lines and at least leave you with your ego and haughtiness intact.  Men can then slink away before the onset of the demolition job as soon as the first beep sounds. This would be a welcome invention for men and will help keep them in their lane.

Argument filter

Many times husbands have engaged in jaw- stretching, throat-fatiguing arguments they have no chances of winning. When the show ends they would be at the losing end with a seriously bruised ego. Isn’t it amazing how at the beginning of the argument men fancy their chances but midway they realise the folly of bothering at all.

Inventors should come up with an argument filter. This would alert you to which argument you are most likely to win. The run-it-till-it-breaks mentality will be confined to the dustbin of the dark ages.

A little beep will sound as soon as the wife starts saying ‘I really am not happy when you.....’. A quick apology will mean no shouting matches, no bruised egos and a marriage that gets another chance to add to its longevity.  Any man who doesn’t see the value of this invention probably plays for the other team.

Fake prophet detector

The quintessential prophet preaches fire and brimstone and how the end is nigh. Not this type. His ministry is all about tithing and how your chance to meet Gabriel at the pearly gates and how your life is going to change proportionate to the money you shell out.

They are usually a walking cliché of Nollywood actors - pointed shoes, heavy accent, multi-coloured  suits, rhetoric-spewing and a wife who will soon morph into a prophetess. Whether the anointing of the wife is from the husband or God is neither here nor there.

He will jauntily disappear after some years with a swag bag over the shoulder and set up camp in the next country of gullibles. The Home Affairs department will procure these by the dozens.

Bedroom moodmetre

I imagine this contraption will have only two colours on the men’s side – blue for not-in-the-mood and red for come-let’s-get-it-on-baby. However, for women it will be a spectrum of colours to go with the complex nature of the woman species. It would have possibly four different colours all of them with at least four different shades. The blue will have skyblue, indigo, royal blue and navy blue to respectively indicate the different levels of not-in-the-mood.  This might sound too complicated for men who have to interpret a whole range of issues and might only be able to zero in on the mood in the early hours of the morning when sleep is now demanding the man’s undivided attention.

Men need not worry though. There will be a one day crash course on interpreting the moodmetre and the moodmetre will come with a manual which will hopefully be less complex than the moodmetre itself.

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