Why Do I Have To Spell It Out For You?

Ashley Thaba | Monday June 15, 2020 13:44

A question was asked on our TV show, Talking with the Thabas, “Some people don’t want to have to tell their partner what they need. It doesn’t feel as special if I have to spell it out. They should know me well enough by now to know what I want.

Below is our answer, which is taken directly from our book, Making Marriages Fun, which is available on our website.

Ideally, we shouldn’t have to spell out what we need, but sadly we are not able to read each other’s brain cells. Of course, the hope would be that once you tell your spouse your love language that you don’t have to keep reminding them all the time. It is ideal if the person just remembers. That would be more special and make you feel even more loved if you felt your spouse DID read your brain cells and knew exactly what you wanted!

However, we are giving you some tools and strategies because even in the best marriages, life gets busy. One of you will start to feel neglected and taken for granted. You have two choices. You can sulk silently building up grudges that the person KNOWS what you need and you don’t understand WHY she/he can’t see that you aren’t happy. Surely he/she knows if they did xyz, you would feel loved. Another day goes by…they forget again. And soon, you begin to doubt they even care and bitterness builds up and now, out of spite, you decide you aren’t going to do the thing you know THEY will appreciate.

This goes on until you can’t take it anymore and you scream, “YOU KNOW I feel loved when you touch me! I can’t even remember the last time you hugged me when you walked in the door! We never just hold hands when we are out! When you leave, you don’t even kiss me goodbye! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME! Do you not love me anymore?” It has escalated to a full-fledged fight because your needs weren’t met. Ideally, this would have never happened if the person always read your brain cells and never got too busy to forget to meet your needs, but we live in reality.

In real life, we are all a bit selfish and without a loving nudge, we can forget to look outside our own needs. Therefore, we encourage you to forgo your romantic fantasies, and if you are feeling unloved, gently express it by saying exactly what you need. The spouse still can come up with a creative way to express it. Spending the afternoon together can look a hundred different ways. There are countless gifts he/she could bring home. Endless songs and poems are written with complimentary words you could say to each other. Just because you say your love language is xyz and you would feel more loved if he used that language doesn’t mean you need to spell out exactly what he needs to do. You are just prodding him/her in the right direction before frustration builds up and the poor spouse never even knew you were not happy.

If you really are not comfortable explicitly saying it, let us give you a psychological trick. Positive affirmation. If your love language is spending time, and the two of you spend time together in some way. You really affirm that, “Wow, I really enjoyed that hour we spent today. It made me feel so close to you to just have one whole hour without interruptions. I feel so much love for you right now! I know you are busy, but I just feel so special that you took time out of your schedule and focused on us for an hour. I hope we can do that again soon because I immensely enjoyed that!” (It would help if you also in return rewarded his/her behaviour by reciprocating by doing something you know they would enjoy.)

By using positive affirmation whenever he/she does something remotely close to what you are looking for, it encourages the other person to make a mental note that made you very happy. Most likely, after receiving such rave reviews, the spouse will want to do it again, and you may never have to explicitly spell out what you need.

For more practical tips which are guaranteed to enhance your relationship with your partner, this book is available in electronic copy for only P40 on our website,  www.ashleythaba.com . We have written it because we believe strong relationships make for strong people. When you are in love and feel secure and happy in your relationship, we believe you will be a happier more productive member of society in general. We hope you can download the book and begin to grow today.

*Ashley Thaba is a popular motivational speaker, team building facilitator, author and the Producer of a hit TV show offering practical advice to strengthen families and improve marriages! Episodes of her show can be downloaded from her website – www.ashleythaba.com.You can view some of her work on her YouTube channel: Ashley Thaba. You can buy three of her books, Dive In, Making Marriages Fun, and Conquering the Giants, on her website. You can email her at  askthaba@gmail.com or follow her on Facebook at: Talking with the Thabas