Taking a bold step to alter adversity (I)

Victoria Seiketso Sethibe | Thursday February 25, 2016 17:37

Gender based abuse is one of the most reported form of adversity among human communities. The story below gives a picture of how gender based abuse can develop into different stages in a household:

Mohaludi* and Mokgerisi* started dating three years ago, when Mohaludi had just started as a freshman at a tertiary institution within her community. Mokgerisi, seven years her senior, was already working as a manager in a chain store. Initially Mohaludi considered herself blessed as she had met what seemed to her like an ideal partner who showed all the love and attention she so cherished. Eight months later, Mohaludi fell pregnant just after her 20th birthday. To Mohaludi’s shock, Mokgerisi started to show the colours she never really expected from him. Mokgerisi would come to the house they cohabited in drunk, during the wee hours of the morning, and cause an argument which would always leave Mohaludi’s face disfigured from his blows. 

The following day Mokgerisi would come home early from work to apologise to Mohaludi, blaming his abusive behaviour on alcohol and bringing a box of chocolates as a back-up plan for his apology. This would be followed by a promise never to touch a can of beer or lay a hand on his woman ever again. Out of strong hope, Mohaludi would instantly forgive him, only to experience the same ordeal a week later and this became a vicious cycle in the couple’s life.

Mohaludi, desperate to see her boyfriend transform to the loving, caring person he was at the initial stage of their relationship, tried just so hard to please him and dance to his every tune. She lost all her social life to be available for him, when she was not attending her academic classes.

At the age of 22 years, Mohaludi fell pregnant with her and Mokgerisi’s twin girls and the relationship did not get any better. For the longest time of their relationship, Mohaludi kept a positive attitude and hoped that one day things would somewhat miraculously change for the better. Mokgerisi being the breadwinner out of a family of nine, did as he pleased at his parents’ home and they did not have the courage to put him to order, for fear of losing financial support from their only gainfully employed son. This became a catalyst for Mokgerisi to have an obsession to control other people, especially after getting courage from drinking.

Shortly after Mohaludi fell pregnant for the second time, she got married to her abusive partner. During the wedding preparations, Mohaludi’s parents agreed with Mokgerisi and his parents to give moral support to the young bride for her to achieve her academic dreams. But things took a nasty turn shortly. Mokgerisi and his parents did the exact opposite by sabotaging Mohaludi’s academic journey in every way they could. Mokgerisi became so possessive that he would wait in the car park about 30 minutes before his wife’s academic classes were out, and would transport her straight from the lecture room to the house they shared with Mokgerisi’s parents. At the house Mohaludi was forced to leave her books aside and attend to the duties of “the wife who has been paid lobola for” as her husband would put it. As much as Mohaludi felt violated, she was too terrified to express her displeasure to Mokgerisi because she knew the consequences just too well. Coming from a family that put a lot of value on education, Mohaludi was constantly reminded by her maiden family’s value system that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The only thing that trapped her in the wrong place was fear of stigma for “failing to stick with her partner through thick and thin” from her community. When sharing this fear with one of her friends at college, the friend responded thus:  “If the most talked about people in this planet could walk out of oppressive situations, what would you, one of the most unknown people in your small community, be afraid of?”. 

This statement shook Mohaludi out of her reverie and she took a bold step to alter her adversity. Although the two are no longer together, Mohaludi chose to forgive Mokgerisi and she has now progressed into the stage of Post Traumatic growth. Not only has she learned to stand up for her rights and interests, but she has also learned to discern between honest and fake people.

Mokgerisi on the other hand, has finally accepted an invitation to some counselling sessions because he too wants to be happy. 

*not their real names