Of Parentification/Emotional Incest As A Form Of Emotional Abuse

Gaone Monau | Monday March 15, 2021 16:33

This is where the parent turns to the minor to satisfy their emotional needs instead of relating with other age appropriate adults who can be there for the parent emotionally.

Parentification is a form of child neglect that often has long term debilitating effects on the child. According to Section 11 (1) of the Children’s Act Cap 28:04 ‘any parent or guardian of a child or any person having the custody of a child who neglects, ill-treats or exploits the child or allows or causes him to be neglected, ill-treated or exploited shall be guilty of an offence’.

Section 11 (2) (d) of the aforesaid act postulates that ‘a child shall be deemed to be neglected if a parent or guardian having the custody of the child exposes the child to conditions or circumstances which are likely to cause him physical, mental or psychological distress or damage’.

Families prone to parentification are; single parent families, divorced parents with kids, widowed parents with children, families with many kids, families where the other parent/ only parent is severely depressed, marriages where the parties are consistently detached from each other emotionally, marriages where the other partner is consistently busy and rarely/never creates time for his/her partner, relationships where the other or only parent is drug addict or mentally unstable. A parent from the above mentioned families without an emotional support system may parentify their kid by confiding in their minor child and disclosing information that is way out of bounds for a child that age.

In some instances such a parent may ‘spousify’ their child and treat them like a spouse in order to meet their adult need for companionship; such a parent may also attend all the events that would ordinarily be attended by adults alone with their child. Parentification may also happen in large families where the eldest child consistently tends for the younger siblings and rarely have time to enjoy activities meant for a child their age. On other occasions the parentified child takes care of the emotional needs of both the parent and all the other members of the family. Oftentimes the parentified child fills the void of leadership created by the parent in the home. Empathetic, talented and sensitive kids are most likely to be parentified if there is leadership void in the home. In attending the emotional needs of his/her parent and/or that of his/her siblings the parentified child’s emotional wellbeing is neglected. Because of such neglect parentified kids repress their emotions for the sake of the family and have a form of pseudo maturity.

The greatest and secret cry of a parentified child or adult who has not bounced back from parentifiaction is ‘I take care of everyone, who is going to take care of me?’ If they do not recover from parentification in adulthood, parentified casualties mostly and consistently neglect their own wellbeing for the greater good of others. In relationships adults who were parentified as kids tend to take the role of a primary caretaker in all aspects of their relationships, a pattern they have learnt from being neglected as a child. In assuming the role of a primary caretaker in all spheres of their relationships, they often feel resentful at their spouses /family/friends because they tend to over give in relationships with little to no reciprocation of their love.

As a result, they may habitually feel drained and break down easily due to unprocessed childhood abuse. Such adults also never get to truly experience the joy of interdependence, co - partnership and receiving love in their relationships. As a result of parentification, grown-ups who have not cured from such may over and over again neglect their own needs and wellbeing to tend for others and gain approval from them. Grown persons with a history of parentification are usually ‘empathy crazy’.

They mostly feel responsible for the lives of others and have a tendency to rescue and not help others. In continuously rescuing and not helping others the parentified victim, cripples others’ ability to learn and thrive from their mistakes.

The next article will be a worthy continuance of this one. Gaone Monau is a practicing attorney and motivational speaker. For bookings on gender based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or gpmonau@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is (Be Motivated with Gaone).