So you want a baby Part II
Tumie Modise | Monday September 28, 2015 17:16
If you share genes with me, you will only crave local delicacies. Mercifully, I detest phane and all it stands for and even in my craziest of cravings; it never crosses my mind, same with Mageu. When I am in that state, I never miss funerals, just so I can indulge in samp and seswaa.
Sadly, some people are not so lucky with this one, and the ones that crave mud (mmu) are the worst of the lot. But then they say pregnancy can even half your mind a bit and even though medical experts reckon that mud eating is just a sign of iron deficiency (common with pregnant ladies), thankfully, this one escaped me.
If you want to see just how sad this one craving is, just visit the loo, just moments after a mud eater.
As the months progress and the cravings subside a bit, because nature has a funny sense of humour, you then start losing control of your body, your face, even your senses. You will wake up one morning only to discover to your horror that your nose has relocated from where it was the previous night! You look at the mirror and you will turn around thinking the mirror is playing a crude prank on you, that is if you can even turn around at all. Because the last thing you want to do when pregnant, is to look at your own rear. I can testify that it is the most traumatic thing ever, especially if you have always been conscious of your body! All of a sudden your body assumes the body of a seven-tonne truck driver. You lose not only your waist, but your rear suddenly changes from a round to a square shape! It just disappears into your body and at this point, your best wardrobe bet becomes flowy and loose garments.
The nights got to be the worst! The nights become extra long and if its summer, have anti-depressants by your side of the bed, whether you happen to share your sleeping space or not.
They have to be within your arm’s reach, because a simple task such as scratching your back then becomes mission impossible. If you stay in an armed house, disable the house alarm and save its batteries, open the gate and let your dogs mingle with neighbourhood dogs for the night because then you now become the full time night watch personnel! If you stay in a multi-residential gated compound, you may become rich overnight by just outsourcing your services to the rest of the tenants! Little or no sleeping at all becomes part of your life, Strangely during the day you can get. off with a few winks if you are really clever about it.
A midwife once told me that it’s nature’s way of preparing your body for the sleepless nights ahead.
God forbid that you should struggle to sleep in a room occupied by other people, legal or not. Until I discovered that, I did not understand why witchcraft was always associated with women, or vice versa.
Because watching a person snore peacefully by your side while you toss and turn in between trying to soothe your own aching back is enough to turn even Mother Teresa into a murderer! How dare someone snores away peacefully while you keep checking the clock every five minutes, in between the numerous trips to the bathroom and kitchen, just praying for dawn? For the first time you realise how really easy it is to interfere with someone’s breathing. Your bulging and gigantic frame means you can’t sleep comfortably anymore.
Because even the worst things come to some end at some point, after what seems like eternity, the 40 weeks will come to pass someday. My dear ladies, this is the Day of Judgement and reckoning, depending on how you look at it. When it becomes clear that you are now in full labour, you go through mixed feelings.
The only feeling I get on this day is that of sheer terror and helplessness. It’s the day labour wards become mini war rooms, where females scream and strong men faint. Labour carries with it such intense and excruciating pain, so bad that for most people going through it, death often becomes a better option and at that point, heaven or hell, the final destination just becomes immaterial!
Then just when you think the worst is over and you finally see your own two feet, a strange looking wailing human is placed in your arms. Until they are 18.