Things that go bump in the night Part 4 � Of curvy girls in twerk pants and the �Shumaya effect�

Keletso Thobega | Thursday September 3, 2015 16:14

 

As a social drinker and occasional roisterer, I sometimes mingle, and it was on one of these sessions while watching and chatting to fellow night crawlers, that I learnt of what I aptly term the ‘Shumaya effect’. 

If you are one of those uptight characters who don’t have much of a social life, let me take it from the top…

A night out often starts with hooking up with the girls or boys, you hit the town for a laid-back session of chill, chat, cocktails or light beers. As the night progresses, conversation gets louder, giggles and laughter ensues and then, someone ‘bright’ will suggest that you go ‘some place to dance’. drive there is usually revved up, with almost everyone in an excitable mood except that one responsible friend who is a teetotaler or drinks little and is always made the designated driver.

After the sassing out a few places, you settle on a venue with the right mix of lovely people, cold drinks and good music. If it’s a bar, the jukebox will be loudly playing popular house and kwaito hits. Recently, it’s been rare to go out and not hear the Asine remix, Sweetie, or Shumaya.

The latter jam is one of those banging songs that make you lose your morals for a few minutes. When it plays even the “proper” girl who was quietly sipping her drink nods her head, and the mokoupere who looks out of place among youth, sitting alone and nursing his drink, begins to tap his feet. By now, most of the revelers will have Dutch confidence, and take to the dance-floor cheering and gyrating.

There will be that one guy who dances like he’s being paid for it; chest puffed out, legs criss-crossing like an octopus’, with their face creased in a strange expression as if they just saw a nurse walk in with a syringe. Who can ever ignore the girls who screech when a song start and start wiggling and jiggling, arms akimbo, breasts jiggling in the air like P10 watermelons, mouths agape with tongues stuck out, and eyes wide like they are seeing a ghost. 

It has come to my attention that you shouldn’t trust a lady who dances too much on a night out. 

One: Chances are by the end of the night she will be too tired and might pass out before you ask her,

‘What’s your name again?’ 

Two: Since she needs energy to keep up her dance routines, she will likely want lots of cider like ‘V6’ or Guarana; which doesn’t come cheap nowadays. Even if you lean in to try and speak to her, she will give you an alluring smile and lift up her can or bottle, signaling that you should buy her a drink. Most of the time, these girls are pretty, with nice curvy figures complete with their Sengwato derriere’ that would put Kim Kardashian’ to shame.

 I hear that when men look at them they lose all sense and wish they could marry that lady there and then, if only just for that one night. 

Three: Gatwe ba rata go dodga majita blind! I guess there’s nothing as “painful” as a man eyeing a lady, putting in a good word for himself, consequently buying her and sometimes even her friends several drinks and be promised a private after-party, only to be ditched at the last hour when the thirsty dude thought he was “sorted”.

Apparently when the girls want to dodge, they start to dance happily, intoxicated from the booze you bought with your hard earned cash, dear gent, and do the Siya Durban dance move alternatively wiggling to the back, ba dira mmino-nyana yole ekareng motho wa teng ke noga ya metsi. That’s a cue for the gent to move closer and go in for the kill because once she disappears, owaai, it’s over my man.

The next time you see her it will be during the day without the multi-patterned twerk pants, flimsy top and shiny lips. But then again, that could be your mind playing tricks on you. Perhaps you could be suffering from the side-effects of ‘post-erectile ‘didn’t get lucky’ abandonment’ and you think any strange girl you come across is her, even if you don’t remember if she was wearing a weave or bald.

That, dear reader is the Shumaya effect. Ha!