Of Emotional Abuse & Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

Gaone Monau | Monday June 14, 2021 16:20

They render assistance so their true merciless self can appear ‘kind and loving’ to the public.  A narcissist has no capacity to assist others without any expectations for rewards in return. They are transactional in nature; true humanitarianism is foreign to their nature.  In any healthy relationship the parties have a reciprocal duty of support towards each other.

However, if a narcissist has lent you a hand in the past or is still doing so they will use the help rendered to you as a weapon to control you whenever you differ with them; they will remind you how ungrateful you are to them though they are a rainbow in your cloud.  They may say this even if the aid they granted you is utterly unrelated to the issue at hand. Narcissists help others so as to get acclaim and be worshipped.  This ilk wants their victims to feel inadequate and unworthy without them.

Pathological envy, extreme jealousy and an insatiable appetite for admiration ebb from the narcissist’s being. They want to be the best unceasingly even when they don’t qualify to be and will go to extraordinary lengths to defame, plot, scheme and turn their harem against anyone whom they think will steal their glory. Any ordinary mortal with a quest for excellence and desire to be the best version of themselves has capacity to accommodate the stardom of others without turning toxic.  Interestingly, narcissists refuse to acknowledge that we all have different seasons to individually shine in life and that when it is others’ turn (and not the narcissist’s turn yet/again) to sparkle we can sincerely applaud and encourage them if need be without seeking to dim their shine come what may.

Given that the narcissist’s true self is tattered, abandoned, heartless and wilfully veiled from humankind, the narcissist largely projects the frailities of their real person on their partners or others. A narcissist who is adulterous but portrays himself/herself as a faithful spouse will accuse their lover of same even if there is no trickle of evidence to insinuate that their beloved  is having stolen waters outside their romance.

When legitimately confronted for wrongdoing, a narcissist will skirt responsibility and gaslight or blame you for confronting them. E.g. a narcissist who perpetually comes home very late without any valid cause will throw tantrums when faced and fault their beloved for turning molehills into mountains. They do this to deflect accountability so their sweetheart can doubt their perception of the narcissist and the world at large.

In several instances, it is highly likely that the narcissist would be inordinately coming home late because they are having an affair or engaged in dubious activities that are contrary to the law and morality.  Therefore, gas lighting and blame shifting are just foul tactics employed by this kind to distort reality.

At the dawn of romantic affinity, narcissists will love bomb you and make your heart rapture with love and bliss. Any regular armorous pair goes through the honeymoon stage at the genesis of a relationship where love-bombing is highly likely. Nonetheless, when a narcissist love bombs their partner, it is to propel their darling to let their guard down; it is not out of the grandness and novelty of love. As their beloved let their guard down and the vulnerability of love hits them like a tonne of bricks, the narcissist maximises this opportune moment to unearth all their sweetheart’s strengths and weaknesses. Thereafter, the narcissist uses the aforesaid weakness and strengths as ammunition to quash their beloved’s self-esteem. E.g. if they constantly praised you to the skies for your intellectual prowess during the love bombing epoch, they will now blast your potencies and declare that you are a know it all. As for your fragilities, they will repeatedly jest on them with a conscious intention to activate your insecurities if possible.

The subsequent article will be a worthy continuance of this one.

*Gaone Monau is a Practicing attorney and Motivational speaker. For bookings on gender based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or gpmonau@gmail.com.  Her facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.

l This article was co – authored in conjunction with Tsholofelo Kgwalabatlhe, a narcissist survivor, Psychologist, Founder and Director of Explore Consults Pty Ltd- a company that offers counselling, psychotherapy, workshops, trainings and assessments. Her Facebook page is Explore Life with Tsholo. For bookings/appointments contact 73015012.