Of Emotional Abuse & Narccistic Personality Disorder 5

Gaone Monau | Monday July 5, 2021 16:03

• Drawing your human worth from externals and not from within - We are all born inherently worthy. The concept of human rights in our view best espouses this fact.  For example, the right to education is an indicator that human beings are ‘educationally worthy’ and therefore have the capacity and the inate desire to be educated, informed and empowered. It is the realisation and acknowledgement of our educational worthiness that propels mankind to assert and actualise their right to education. Though education can skyrocket our professional, economic and social worth, it can never increase or decrease our human worth.  Our human worth exists independently from the externals. Human rights are a consequence of our human worth and not a ‘bestower’ of our worth.

Martin Luther King said that every man ought to have a blue print for life and that the first thing that ought to be in that blue print is ‘a conviction about one’s somebodiness’. Without a conviction of our intrinsic worthiness or somebodiness as human beings, we are vulnerable to extracting our worth from exteriors such as money, educational qualifications, looks, relationships and others’ validation. Whlist it is incontrovertible that outsides can beautify and decorate our lives if handled well; we become slaves to such if we employ same to define our worth.  For purposes of this article, we will focus predominantly on sourcing relationships to define our worth.  When we enter love relationships without a solid sense of our worth and who we truly are outside externals and people’s opinions, our self-esteem and self-identity oscillates with that of our lover’s opinions.  This is not to say that we should become deaf and turn a blind eye to our partners’ constructive criticism towards us; it rather connotes that even if we get warranted or unwarranted negative feedback from our darlings about ourselves, the conviction of worth acts as a barrier to accept or reject the feedback if need be without altering our deep belief in ourselves and conviction of our worthiness.

Narcissists being kings and queens of love bombing and devaluing navigate easily through the trajectory of narcissism when they have partners who entirely lean their self-esteem and worth in the narcissists. A partner who feels reaffirmed (because they already know and believe that they are affirmed on the inside) by the narcissist’s lovebombing and sticks to their inner truth when the narcissist devalues or gaslights them  will most likely cause the narcissist to flee from the relationship speedily, as the narcissist will be powerless with them. 

Conversely, a lover who feels affirmed (because they do not know or believe that they are affirmed on the inside) and has no inner truth to stick to when the narccisist devalues them will be a great source of narcissistic supply to the narcissist; their self-esteem and identity will fluctuate with the views of the narccisist towards them, an outcome that the narccisist thoroughly luxuriates in. Leaning our self-worth on others or our partners  is among a plethora of factors that cause lovers to have unhealthy people pleasing habits; where they  persistently act against their own goodwill and values so as to be deemed worthy and loved by the narccisist. Moreover, it causes us to disregard relational red flags and our own emotional realities at the behest of the narccisist whom we would have subconsciously enthroned as the giver of our self-worth, self-esteem and self-identity.

The subsequent article will further enlist and expound on some of the qualities that further our susceptibility to narcissists.

* Gaone Monau is a Practicing attorney and Motivational speaker. For bookings on gender based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or gpmonau@gmail.com.  Her facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.

 This article was co-authored in conjunction with Tsholofelo Kgwalabatlhe, a narcissist survivor, Psychologist, Founder and Director of Explore Consults Pty Ltd- a company that offers counselling, psychotherapy, workshops, trainings and assessments. Her Facebook page is Explore Life with Tsholo. For bookings/appointments contact 73015012.