Forever Is Over!

Tumie Modise | Monday August 10, 2015 17:14

Fact is, some Batswana just get a kick from other people’s woes and as in this case, especially marriage troubles.

This is one topic I swore never to touch, but as it turns out, I have failed. I never wanted to touch this one, as it hits right home.

God forbid I should get carried away; even say exactly what has been on my mind for the past couple of years. By all accounts, there is a lot of ignorance by surrounding this topic.

For some people, divorced people are like lepers and for the hopelessly ignorant, they are failures. A prison break can hardly be a failure, well unless you are re-captured.

Separation and divorce is a painful process for all involved. Even as I compare it with a daring jail break, as most divorced people will tell you, it encompasses complex feelings of bereavement; grief, loss, shock, disbelief (why?). It is a process that takes time and each stage brings its new set of challenges. It is utterly heartbreaking.

For months now, some ‘unlucky’ local celebrities have found themselves in the difficult situation of having their marriage woes and subsequent divorces play out in the full glare of the public. Even worse, their most intimate details were laid bare for all to see. I cringed last week while going through an avalanche of attacks aimed at one of the recently divorced couples, and I counted my lucky stars that I wasn’t in their shoes at that very moment! As is the norm, the woman got most of the flak. An arsenal of expletives was directed to her; she was accused of everything ranging from infidelity, down to the colour of her hair. The price we pay for conforming to societal values and expectations.

When it comes to matters of the heart, most people just act foolishly. One old acquaintance, now a respectable legislature, once remarked several years ago when asked for the umpteenth time, as to when he was going to finally get married. He responded, ‘Batswana ganke ba ratela ope botshelo. Ha o bona ba go gakalela bare o nyale then goraya gore gona le sengwe sese sa siamang ka lenyalo.”He had a point.

In last week’s paper, the couple, it was reported, had finally legally gone their separate ways.

The lady is shown in the front page, walking majestically out of court. If you did not read the article itself, you would even mistake her for a lottery winner. Browsing through the article, it confirms that this, without a doubt, had to be the greatest day of her life. Curiously, she is not accompanied by any members of her family, even friends. Now that is the most puzzling thing about getting a divorce. Once that process happens, lawyers take over and if you don’t even care, you can even represent yourself and save money in the process.

During divorce, family, friends, even your pastor take a back seat. Those hard-to-please uncles of yours, even that sulking aunt have nothing to do with this process as it hits the fan.

This is probably for the best, knowing some of our relatives. You wouldn’t want a bus load of your village relatives descending on court grounds, singing and threatening your soon to be ex, even labeling him a ‘tinto’. Because divorce just brings out the worst in everybody.  .

Divorce, as I counseled a friend a week ago, is not a joke. Most divorced people often act all brave after going through the process, just to try and resume their lives. Some confused ones throw ‘divorce parties’.

Denial is dangerous. Because once the party goers stagger home in the wee hours of the morning, you will be all alone.

The worst thing about divorce has to be the tag attached to it. If it’s not lifetime bachelors and spinsters labeling you a ‘divorcee’ just to spite you, then it’s the bank requiring a divorce certificate from you whenever you try and apply for a loan.

They also strategically place the divorce box next to the ‘widow’ box on their loan forms. Your family does not spare you either, whereas in the good old days you ‘qualified’ to  join the marriage negotiations party, you may now find yourself being relegated to the fireplace, if you are lucky they entrust you with the pantry key. If you think it could not get any worse, then you decide to go to church for some relief, only for your pastor to start preaching about you in church, proclaiming; ‘God hates divorce! Then you know you are really in for it. I really should stop before I kick a brick.