I�m also of royal blood!

Keletso Thobega | Thursday July 23, 2015 16:31

When I told my one friend this, she curiously asked me which king I am related to. I put on a straight face and whimsically responded: Burger King. She looked at my expanding waistline and nodded.

Of course I was being silly but I don’t think anyone should ask too many questions. Wena just know that I’m royalty. I don’t talk about it much because I don’t want to overwhelm other people with my greatness. 

I always overhear others boasting about being born with a silver spoon, they don’t know that I was born with a platinum spoon. I know that you might say that royalty here doesn’t have money but the greatness is bigger than material possessions – it’s embedded in my blood and psyche. I think, speak and walk greatness. 

After all, we have a strong aura that makes people bow down when they see us, or fumble when they try to speak. When in our midst, even one who had negative intentions forgets about their misdeeds. We carry the light and glory of the world. 

If I wanted to, I would fight tooth and nail to ascend the chieftaincy seat but I have other things to focus on, like my political aspirations. If bootlickers can publicly declare this and ascend through the ranks, why can’t my royalty take me places? I know that you might be laughing at me, but hoot all you like because one day you will be eating humble pie and when you see me will exclaim: Eish, sisterr yo o masisi blind!

Dear reader, in life; every dog has its day. The trick is to be patient and strategic - Lick the right boots. 

I will a big person one day (pun intended). The tables will have turned. Gone will be the days of licking boots. Instead, most people will be scrambling to lick mine!

I may be ordinary now, but I will be extra-ordinary. I may seem like a commoner, but I will be relegated above all else.

I suggest that you start being nice to me.

Once I take the reigns and prance down corridors, my rear shaking like jelly, my hips not lying and stomping feverishly in my stilettos, you will wish you were my friend. I will be a big person in society (pun intended) and you would have to beg my permission to even say ‘Hi’ to me. 

I will no longer drink quarts at pennywise or eat “laptop” meals from b-mmaseapei. I will eat food like T-bone steak with mash and drink expensive liquors from fancy bottles. 

When I say jump, everyone will say, how high. They will flock to be around me and desperately try to endear themselves to me. 

I will throw my weight around (literally), never hesitating to remind all and sundry that I am important member of society. 

My walk will also change. I will lose the carefree high step quick walk and opt for a slower paced shuffle, to not only give ordinary folk time to catch of me, but also because I will have to accommodate my expanding girth and balance my head because my neck would have disappeared between layers of fat.

As you know, in Botswana when you start “eating money” your body should show it. I will be an epitome of the adage, ‘Le fa dira di ka ntlhowa, ke sa ja monono!’ 

I can already picture myself!

I will drink as much as I want and will not take reproach from anyone. After all, I live my life, and you should live yours. I would know how to deal with the public and handle myself. There will be no need for anyone to be judgmental because I never interfere in anyone’s personal life anyways! 

I know that tjatjarag young political reporters will swarm around me like bees, fishing for a scoop but I will call them to order and reprimand them because I know that they will write nonsense about me! Ga ke rate go tlhokelwa maitseo!

I’m not threatened by anyone boasting about royalty because I’m royalist too. I wear my royal stripes with pride.

I’m unshaken like a Baobab tree. Please, touch not the royalists!