Conditional parental love- Is it the way to go?

Correspondent | Tuesday June 30, 2015 13:27

 

While some children would be celebrating the attachments they have with their parents on these days, others are usually left wishing they too could have reasons to join the celebrations.

It seems that it is becoming increasingly common for parents to use Parental Conditional Regard (PCR) on children and adolescents to control them. Parental Conditional Regard refers to situations in which children and adolescents are made to feel that they only deserve to be loved and appreciated by their parents when they have attained parentally valued outcomes. In situations where children and adolescents fail to meet parents’ expectations, affection and appreciation are withdrawn. It is important to note that Parental Conditional Regard is not the same as constructive feedback. The latter is important in promoting communication by giving praise where it is due or expressing displeasure about an undesirable behaviour, and it does not involve withdrawal of affection and appreciation.

Below is an example of how children and adolescents could experience Parental Conditional Regard:

Kealapa (not her real name) is a 15-year-old self-blaming girl who is longing for the affection she used to get from her father. She started school as an above average child until the family lost a housekeeper when Kealapa was doing standard four. Although Kealapa’s parents contributed a lot towards the burial of their housekeeper, they were not aware of the extent to which their daughter had been psychologically affected by the loss of the housekeeper who had added great value her upbringing. In an attempt to try and intervene in Kealapa’s steady academic decline, her father promised to buy her the bicycle she so strongly wished to own under the condition that she got an A in standard seven.

Unfortunately, when the standard seven results were released, it turned out that Kealapa had obtained a D grade, in spite of all the long hours she spent at her house trying to read for the examinations. Out of embarrassment and disappointment, Kealapa’s father instantly withdrew the affection he used to give to his daughter. He accused her of pretending to study while she was putting her mind on things that did not add value to her studies. Kealapa tried to explain herself to her father but he would not listen.

He also blames Kealapa’s mother for failing to instill a sense of responsibility in their daughter and has even moved out of the house they shared. Kealapa’s mother, in her desperation to win Kealapa’s father back, does not pay much attention to their daughter’s needs. Kealapa’s relationship with her father often brings feelings of shame and worthlessness. She is trying so hard to win her father’s affection back.

Kealapa is one of those who have experienced Conditional Parental Regard (CPR). In some cases CPR can come in the form of withdrawing other basic human needs, besides affection and appreciation from children when they fail to meet parents’ expectations. Just the other day there was a report about parents who expected their children to sell home brewed beer in Leshibitse village in order to earn money to school (BTV 1900 hrs news, 24/06/15).

How does Conditional Parental Regard affect children and adolescents?

By breeding feelings of shame and self-blame; Kealapa loves her father, but she is psychologically tortured by her perception that she is to blame for her father’s loss of affection on her. She also thinks she has done something shameful by obtaining a D in standard seven.

By breeding feelings of worthlessness; since nothing she does seems to win her father’s affection back, Kealapa sees herself as someone with little or no value, especially before her father’s eyes.

Sometimes children and adolescents can be made to learn to meet their basic needs in ways that are not constructive, like having to engage in sexual relationships prematurely in exchange for money and other material things, not necessarily because their parents cannot afford to provide some basic necessities for them. This explains why sometimes children become mothers too early in their lives.

In other instances children and adolescents learn very poor study techniques in an attempt to earn positive regard from their parents.

Kealapa spent long hours reading for examinations, not because her concentration level allowed her to gain optimal learning, but just because she was under pressure to make her father happy and it did not pay off in the end.Some end up using substances as short-term stress relief. This however, does not mean that all children and adolescents who abuse substances have experienced Parental Conditional Regard.

Usually, it is only later in life when children and adolescents who use substances to cope with the pressures of PCR realise that substances bring more harm than good.It is therefore, important to note that Parental Conditional Regard breed maladaptive coping mechanisms in children and adolescents.

*Victoria Seiketso Sethibe is a practicing

teacher and a school counselor.