My encounter with a polygamist

Tumie Modise | Monday June 8, 2015 16:03

Now my friend was most concerned about the polygamist I had referred to in my last article. According to him, the octogenarian was a poor representative of ‘real’ polygamists in his country. A polygamist married to three wives, my new found friend revealed that he had found true happiness, that unlike most men, he is content and will probably die a very happy man. After listening to him for about half an hour, my curiousity got the better of me and I asked him about the living arrangements in his marriage.

Each wife, I am told, has their own marital house and space where they raise their own children. I was also told that in some cases the wives even live in different towns or villages, very far from each other. Fair enough, in reality they are and will always remain rivals. Naturally my next question was about the ‘real’ living arrangements. With a hearty laugh, my friend assures me that the man of the house(s) operates on a schedule, where he visits each wife every now and then.

I am hopeless when it comes to organsing my daily activities. I own three diaries but I have no idea what to do with them. At school, I used to misplace my time table almost daily; at University I even missed an exam once after confusing the time table. But somewhere out there, I am told, there is a wife who checks her schedule every morning, just to see when her turn with her husband will be. I can almost picture the schedule, up there on the fridge door with all those other reminders, notes and pictures! I am also told that in polygamous institutions, that the husband’s ‘base’, so to speak, is the first wife’s house. Not only that, I also learnt that the senior wife, by virtue of being  senior wife, not only commands respect but also that ‘protocol’ dictates that all enquiries and complaints be channeled through her. I don’t know of any Motswana woman who would respect their rival.

Proponents of this practice, like Kgosi, are always quick to point out that some females willingly get involved with married men; that it got to be a sign that some of them could embrace polygamous marriages. Nothing could be further from the truth! I have heard many women pray, and I swear I have never come across any of them praying to become second, third or even third wife! The ones that pray for prosperity too, it never has anything to do with co-wives or even a bunch of step children!

Because nature does not work on any time table, I also learnt that in such marriages, there can be ‘special considerations’, which could compel the husband to make emergency trips to any of the wives, provided the concerned wife makes that urgent call! I am not sure whether I could deal with that too, but chances are, by the time the husband arrives I would have maybe forgotten why I summoned him in the first place, or I would have simply decided I now have a headache!

Polygamy, I have observed, also gives a whole new meaning to the African parable; ‘It takes a whole village to raise a child’. Last week I also suggested to someone that perhaps women should be given the right to take multiple husbands too. On second thought I take that one back. I can never imagine having to watch my men undergo paternity testing, not to mention questions, every time a new baby is born in the household!

I respect polygamists and I can also attest that my new friend sounded genuinely happy, even content. He made very compelling reasons, nearly even convinced me but I still maintain that a polygamous home can never be a home, instead it is more like a feudal estate; where the man is lord, and his wives and children are serfs. Commitment defines a marriage but with polygamy, the meaning of the single commitment is totally lost. In addition to that, polygamous marriages are run like monarchies, no democracy exists there at all!