To have and to hold
Tumie Modise | Monday May 18, 2015 18:00
I came across the above words some days ago as I was trying to make sense of two articles in one local newspaper concerning two ‘murder suicides.’ Either by design or purely by accident, the two stories appear on the same page. As I am sure everyone else did, I read the articles with profound pain and sadness.
Rearing a child is both an immensely pleasurable and yet imperiously mammoth task. No matter how hard one tries to be a ‘perfect parent,’ as human beings we are likely to commit errors and thus there always exists a scope for introspection and consequent improvement. As I went through the stories, I could only think of the children, who not only lost both parents in the most gruesome and embarrassing manner, but also that they probably witnessed it and even saw it coming. To them, it has always been a matter of when.
Because in both incidents both parents died, no one but the two of them knew exactly what happened, even how it all started. It does not really matter now; I do not even think the police will waste their time trying to find out what led to the murders.
The crux of the matter, and I could be wrong, is that today’s parents have become very selfish and self-centered. A trivial issue, for example, over a cell phone text, can blow up so badly and land someone in hospital. God forbid that the text message should come in at midnight!
Every couple has their own share of relationship problems and conflicts. For whatever reason, I often have friends, even complete strangers; approach me for advice when their relationships are in trouble. Because I am no shrink or relationship expert, I always fall short of just telling them just to count their losses and cut loose. I should know about that. I really find no sense in staying in cancerous and destructive relationships, marriages included. I don’t understand why couples, grown ups for that matter, should squabble over anything at all, and that includes even issues of infidelity. Most people, even counselors, will tell you that chances of escaping from a maximum prison are very high compared to escaping from a messed up relationship. Could this be why some people opt to rather kill their partners as opposed to just packing their bags and leaving?
When our relationships turn messy we usually end up blaming the partner for his or her lack of commitment, change of attitude and unreasonable demands. There is no doubt that these factors when coming from the other person, make us enraged and depressed and makes the relationship messy. However, in several instances people miss out on self-introspection: there are things deep down in our mind about which we might not be really aware, but they create relationship conflict.
Back to the issue of children, regardless of how relationships end, children always bear the brunt and with regards to the murder-suicide stories, traumatized and emotionally damaged children have been left behind. In our culture, it is taboo to discuss your parent’s intimate details and so the odds are that the children will only be comforted and almost certainly, some preachers have by now have already deceived them that what happened was no mistake, that it was all ‘ God’s will’, like God is some relationship Jihadist!
Growing up in the Southern part of this country, back then common talk was that the most abusive men of this country hailed from the North. What a bucket full of popcorn! I read somewhere that parents who were abused or traumatised unwittingly end up passing on the trauma to their children, notwithstanding the fact that a majority of them want to give an ideal childhood to their children and keep them away from painful life experiences.
The only way to overcome a traumatic past, expert’s advice, is to mourn that loss. Some years ago I reluctantly went to see a counselor at some people’s insistence. Do not be fooled, local counselor’s consulting rooms do not look like anything we see on TV! There is no cozy couch, no soft pillows and they do not even offer you coffee! Before our session started though, the counselor excused himself in order to take what appeared to be a very urgent call. I quietly sneaked out when I overheard him shouting at the person on the other end of the phone, then I realised that he was the one in need of urgent help, not me!