A dictionary of death

Barolong Seboni | Friday April 24, 2015 17:15

This veers in the direction of all the different words used to mean “death” or “murder”.

“The English are very specific about the type of murder and who or how one gets killed,” says Nikita. “They have a different word for each type of death. For example if you kill yourself, it`s called suicide. If you kill your father it`s patricide, for mother it`s matricide, and if you kill the whole tribe it`s genocide.”

“Yeah, it`s kinda weird the way they have all those words. The only one I know is homicide,” adds Mr Kool, who has obviously learnt this word from watching a lot of American cop movies.

“Ware homicide ne monna? I can tell you what that means. It obviously means the killing of homosexuals!” interrupts Chicken.

“No man, homicide is not death by homosexuality! It just means murder. Even I know that and I ain`t no expert on the English lingo,” admits Mr Kool. “That you are not, my dear Mr Black America, that you are not. I sincerely commend you for your brutal honesty!” quips Nikita, sarcastically.

“Ya man, this English language ya lona le yone ke mathata. It`s not straight forward all the time, and when you think you understand, people come up with more words. Like that time when I applied to be a refugee. They say “profession,” so under that I write KILLER. The man says no they don’t take killers. I tell him no but that’s my work. I kill chickens at the chicken factory back home in South Africa. So he looks at me funny as if I smell of chicken shit, and I ask him very seriously; “what do you want me to write, CHICKEN MURDERER?” I can`t write that on government papers. Strus’god, they will lock me up for Molly`s station if I write chicken murderer!”  

 Chicken has told this story so many times before, but it`s one of those stories that become funnier with each retelling, and in response the fellows let loose a hearty roar that speaks of throats that are presently well quenched.

“Molly station? Is that like a police station?” someone asks.

“No man, he means MOLESTATION of minors, as in those sixteen year olds you vaya with!” says Walkie, taking a deliberate jibe at Mr Kool and his entourage of ‘honeys.’

“Yeah man, you so right. I should seek police protection for real. All them babes want a piece of Mr Kool, twenty-four-seven! If it aint for ma money, it`s for ma honey. I`m tired of them bee buzzing after me. It’s too much man, I’m like honey to them bees. It`s molestation and I’m heading straight for the police station!”

“Ijajaja! O re bolaisitse motho! Gatwe go rileng? What`s up Mr Kool?” says Ausi Maggie, entering the conversation on her way from the kitchen into the lounge.

“But seriously though folks, this English language is a big bummer. You would expect the killing of the whole country, like in Rwanda and Burundi to be called countricide, not genocide! I mean what`s geno?” By logical extension from Mr Kool`s argument, the fellows at the Nitty Gritty have come up with a short dictionary on death. Needless to say, they were aided in this rather morbid and macabre exercise by lively spirits of the beverages served by the chief hostess and sole proprietor, one Ausi Maggie. And that, dear esteemed reader, who I assume is also perplexed by the English language, is how the following short dictionary was written.

1.            Death by sex- sexicide

2.            The killing of Sue- suecide

3.            The death by drowning in the sea- seaside (or seacide if you are American). If you drown in a river, it would be rivercide.

4.            The killing of a father – patricide

5.            Scared to death- petrified

6.            Death by fear- petricide

7.            The killing of the whole country - countricide

8.            The killing of a son - sonnycide, can also be spelt “sunnyside” if the death is great benefit to the larger society. 

9.            The complete destruction of coins- coincide

10.            The killing of pets, especially those who pester you for drinks- pesticide or pesterminate

11.            Death by terminal boredom- jokeasacide

12.            Death of choking- chokesacide

13.            Killed by a steak of beef- topcide

14.            Killed by two much activity- exercised

15.            Banished to die on no man`s land- neutralised

16.            Death due to drinking liquids beyond their expiry date- liquidate

17.            Death in an inn, Tavern, motel or shebeen- inncide