Rules for festive �spongers�

Keletso Thobega | Wednesday December 17, 2014 09:19

 

Others might bag themselves a holiday fling, only to end up with itchy nether regions in January, after the “hot lover” has left them with a dose of makhekhenene. 

With all the bonuses and loans, you are guaranteed a lot of excitement, jubilation and debauchery this festive period. During holiday time, alcohol always flows like the River Nile, and the level of imbibing would put even red-faced sailors to shame. After all, as some say: it’s the “silly” season. 

However, there are some people who are entering the festive season with empty pockets. As a confirmed social drinker, I have observed that while many of these people would be better off staying at home, many of them would rather embarrass themselves by dealing with airlock after airlock, as they wait for ‘generous souls’ to buy them drinks.

Most spongers often sell everybody a dream about how they are pushing some “hustle”, when we all know that they spend their days idling aimlessly.  Come festive time, they shuffle from one end of the village or location, to the other, in search of a free cold one.  Most of them like to hang around bars. Motho wa teng o tla bo a shadikantse matlho, a tlhomola pelo. As their eyes dart this way and that, they scrutinise everyone who enters the bar carefully. Most of them are excellent at reading body language. They instinctively approach the friendliest looking people, with a smile plastered on their face.  

Spongers like to make believe that they know you vice versa, or take to flattery. Most spongers are overtly friendly and chatter a lot. They might approach potential buyers with small random talk about some Soweto Derby, a political conspiracy, or a lame tale about “a rat that kicked a donkey”. They might even claim they missed you and offer a hug, subjecting you to their cheap fragrance, or ‘I didn’t take a bath this morning’ odour. 

Since spongers often have too much time on their hands, they tend to be clued up on a lot of stuff: they are a one-stop source of information. Ba itse dikgang tsa motse, blind! They are always willing to share the juicy details, but the catch is that they must be offered a cold one to quench their thirst. 

I know some of you will say I’m a sot tippler with nothing better to write about, but this is an important issue. Just sit down and read. Spongers need to learn the unwritten code of conduct when it comes to being a good drinking sport! 

First of all, it’s rude to ask for alcohol. Just linger around, smacking and licking your lips, while wringing your hands. The moneyed will offer you a drink, if they want to. Don’t be bitter if you aren’t offered a drink. It’s no one’s problem that you cannot afford your own ‘poison’. When you are eventually offered a drink, order a cheap one. Don’t use this as an opportunity to futz around with expensive liquor. Do not order whiskies, or ‘elite’ brands like Heineken, Windhoek or Guarana. Order bo-Black Label and Castle or Hunters Gold.

Secondly, drink slowly. O seka wa patlaketsa. You also shouldn’t finish your drink before the ‘Master’ (the person sponsoring your drinks). 

In cases where you are hanging out with the ‘Master’, accept your status as the left-hand person. You must carry the drinks from the counter. 

It’s also your job to break the ice. When you put the drinks in the cooler box, ensure that yours are at the top, and the ones at the bottom are for the “Master”. 

When it comes to dancing, you must sway. O seka wa itjukutja. Save your energetic sbuja-inspired dance moves for when you are listening to RB2 in your bedroom. 

As the left-hand person, you must also laugh at all the ‘Master’s jokes.

You are also not allowed to get drunk. It’s rude to get drunk on another person’s tab.

When it comes to picking up boys or girls, let the “Master” choose the cute one first. Wena o wa masalela!