Codependency: a hindrance to self-care

| Wednesday October 22, 2014 16:52

Unfortunately, codependents, through their controlling behavior, mould their loved ones into their own dependents, with all the good intentions. Most of the codependents I have interacted with are either first born siblings or especially “bread winners” in their families (this is however, not to suggest that all first born siblings and “bread winners” are codependents).

Over the years, I have come to dislike the word “bread winner” because to me it sounds controlling. It somewhat creates a picture that those on the receiving end have lost the game of winning the bread. I prefer to call people main caretakers rather than bread winners. When people close to me call themselves bread winners I ask them “when will you give others a chance to win the bread?”  This is just my own perception about that word.

Dikeledi  (not her real name) is an acquaintance of mine who retired from work eight months ago, at the age of 50 years, after working for 30 years. Instead of enjoying her retirement, she has anger and regrets about her working life. Her anger comes from the fact that even though she had put her needs on hold to try and support Thabang, her 25-year-old son; he has turned out to be an irresponsible man who lives for the moment. After failing Form Three examinations, Thabang got a grant from his mother to open up a poultry farm. When cash came into the business he took his friends on a camping excursion until he got a zero balance in his account. On his arrival back home, Thabang responded to his mother’s anger by apologszing and asking her to give him a second chance. Without hesitation the mother forgave him and gave him another grant to open a tuck-shop. This time around he threw a party at a friend’s house and lied to his mother that he was mugged by some strangers. Thabang managed to win his mother’s sympathy, who then decided that she was going to continue supporting her only child financially, while saving some money from her limited income, to fund another small business for her son. Thabang’s behavior turned into a series of lies and manipulation towards his mother.

Dikeledi, out of desperation, became more of an advisor and financial pillar to Thabang, not because she wanted to spoil him, but because she did not want her only son to suffer, for fear of being labelled as an incompetent mother. In the process, Dikeledi lost sight of her own life in the drama of giving Thabang unconditional support. Finally, when Dikeledi retired after 30 years of hard work, it then dawned on her that she never spent her hard earned money on anything but Thabang’s irresponsible lifestyle. Upon retirement, Dikeledi had to vacate her rented house in Gaborone and move back to her own mother’s house back in her home village.

 

Codependents have some

of the following characteristics

They have a tendency of putting someone else’s life before their own. As Melody Beattie puts it, in her book Codependent No More, many codependents falsely believe their needs are not important and that they should not mention them. They have learned to repress their needs and  push them out of their awareness 

They are controlling to their loved ones. If you happen to be their loved one, codependents would follow you around trying to purify the air you breathe, they don’t want to trust your immune system! Dikeledi tried too hard to prevent Thabang from suffering, at all costs, even when Thabang acted irresponsibly. She did not allow Thabang to develop his own immune system against life hardships. So far the best way to develop immunity against chicken pox is to get infected with chicken pox and the younger the better chances of healing. Sometimes, it helps to experience life’s hardships in small doses, from an early age, that is how resilience is developed. Like they say, experience is the best teacher. Thabang was born a reasonable child, but he just needed a little bit of tough love to jump start him

They lose touch with their own lives. Dikeledi got so caught up with Thabang even in his adult life that she totally overlooked the fact that she also had her own needs to attend to

Dikeledi is one of the codependents we meet in our communities. She spent all her working life trying to create a life she thought was ideal for Thabang, and missed an opportunity to plan for HER OWN retirement.

Codependents mean well but they don’t do well. Dikeledi played a game which ended with a score of 0-0, it was a draw but neither her nor Thabang won. 

The good news is that at the end of all this drama, Dikeledi received counseling to address her anger, regrets and especially codependency, while her son Thabang received counseling to help him move beyond dependency. They both learned important lessons from their life games and are ready to move onto another round of their lives with more determination to each focus on self-care, without any resentments. Both of them are still physically and mentally fit and ready to work hard. They both have hope, which is a healthy baseline for their newly formed goals.