Underthings

Barolong Seboni | Friday September 12, 2014 14:27

The meetingwas called by concerned citizens who wanted to discuss and make pronouncements on the billboards and certain adverts for a certain brand of certain underwear for men and women. The honourable members of this committee feel it is their appointed duty to deliberate on the state of advertising in this country of yours and mine, but indeed also the state of underwear in its entirety. This hallowed committee is made up of members of the clergy, dikgosi and some senior citizens. The chairperson is some retired civil servant who has been a part of the government machinery and furniture since the 1970’s.

CHAIR: Ok, order! We have now come to the most imprtant part of our agenda for today-…

PASTOR: No, no, Mr Chair, there’s nothing more important than the first item on the agenda.

CHAIR: But the first item on the agenda was prayer. It was not really an agenda in the strict sense of the word, it was just a reminder that we should not forget to pray before we start the meeting.

PASTOR: Gare kwa ultwa, all im saying is that it is an important non-agenda item even though it’s not a part of the agenda.

CHAIR: Gosiame, so let’s get into the agenda. We have here a complaint from one amongst us about the adverts and the billboards all over the city. Will the complainant please stand up and tell the nature of the complaint. What’s your name?

(A man stands up with a pair of panties on his head)

MR X: I simply want to be referred to as Mr X because I don’t want my identity to be known…

CHAIR: Why don’t you want your identity to be known, if I may ask?

MR X: Well sir, I fear that I may be misunderstood and charged with sedation.

CHAIR: Is that why you have that item of clothing over your head?

MR X: That is precisely it, your chairmanship. I have disguised myself by putting what should be worn at the bottom over the top of my head. That way you won’t know who I am…

ELDER: But we may also think that you are a man who is controlled by his wife or concubine or his mistress!

MR X: (sounding very worried and trembling) Why… why… would you think like that?

ELDER: Because in our culture and traditions a man who wears that article of woman’s clothing on their head is a man who is kept and enslaved by his woman!

MR X: Oh no! Sir, it seems like in my fear and panic of being discovered I put the wrong article of clothing on my head. I now realise that this particular item belongs to my wife. May I be excused while I go out and sort myself out? If I don’t, she will surely kill me for using her underthings in public.

CHAIR: You’re excused. While he’s away, let’s continue. The main complaint is that these adverts are unclean and inappropriate because they show the underwear of adults.

ELDER 2: Yes, Mr Chair. They certainly do, we cannot have our children knowing and seeing the kind of underwear that we adults use. It will have dire consequences because they will know what is underneath each and every one of us here. Can we honestly afford that?

CHAIR: Afford what, the underwear?

ELDER 2: No sir, I mean afford children knowing our underwear. They will soon want to wear underwear as well because they have seen their parents doing the same!

CHAIR: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to contradict you as an elder of this committee but is it not a good thing that our children will want to imitate their elders and actually wear underwear?

ELDER 2: On the surface of it may appear a good thing, but what if we have a young man who likes to experiment and then discovers that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander?

ELDER 1: Then I’m afraid we will have to tell him that his goose is cooked! Ha ha ha! Get it? His goose is cooked!

CHAIR: Ok, order, order!

ELDER 2: My point, Mr Chairman, is that we cannot have our children know what we have underneath our trousers as men of responsibility especially if these children happen to be girls.

PASTOR: Nna Mr Chair, I’m coming from a different point of view altogether. I think these billboards expose our bodies, and our bodies are the temple of the Lord, and in the temple of the Lord we partake of the body of Christ.

CHAIR: So?

PASTOR: So we cannot er…er… eat the temple and expose the body, I mean eat body and expose temple… Mr Chair, I know what I want to say but it’s not coming out probably. May I be allowed to look at the relevant scriptures before I continue?

CHAIR: Yes, reverend! And while you’re at it, please pray over it so that we find the answers to this problem.

To be continued.