Watch out, I�m going to start biting

Bame Piet | Thursday June 26, 2014 12:58

As I grew older, I did not follow the football career because there are many politics and corruption in this game. Match fixing accusations and scams start at ward football games, up to the world governing body FIFA.  Those who have played plastic football would testify that opposing teams used to pay  kickbacks to goalkeepers or referees during tournaments where money was involved.

There is this player, Sua Rex or something. Whenever he is in possession of his balls, or rather, ball, I feel like I should just grab the TV screen and tell him how much I love him. The last time I watched this boy score a goal was during a Liverpool game, I almost kicked my neighbour’s TV set, who was irritated at the manner in which I celebrated the goal. My neighbour has this television that shows the viewer all sorts of things – movies, football, news and others and I spend most of my weekends at his house. He hasn’t shared his magic with me, on what he did to his television to produce such good things. Mine can only show me BTV. It only shows SABC channels when it is in a good mood, or after I have turned it upside down and kicked it several times.

My neighbour can be nasty at times, when he notices that I am enjoying something, he changes channels, just to show who the real boss is.

Ever since the beginning of the World Cup final two weeks ago, my neighbour has stopped talking to me, but I keep on going to his house to watch the beautiful game. Sometimes I find the doors locked, yet I can clearly see movements and hear voices inside the house. I have made it my point that nobody, or nothing, will stop me from watching this World Cup final.

In the past I have watched at least four World Cup finals, courtesy of my neighbours, but none of them treated me the way this new neighbour is trying to do. Last Saturday he started putting conditions before we could start watching the game - one of them being that I should support the team he supports. I conceded to the demand, but deep inside knowing that I supported the other team. It was unfortunate that when that other team scored, I celebrated and I was declared a prohibited guest.  He chased me out of his house, only to send an SMS the following day apologising for his behaviour, and inviting me to watch another game.

But Tuesday night was even worse, he supported Italy while I supported the other team with some funny name, which has this Liverpool striker. He wasn’t the usually jolly neighbour, until dinner was served. He asked if I was interested in eating “A oa ja?” he asked, and my response was in the negative. I could see his smile.  The food looked and smelled delicious, but I resisted the temptation, otherwise new conditions were going to be put in place.

The game was fast until that moment, at the far corner of ‘our ‘ television, where I saw Sua Rex rush towards an Italian defender, leaning towards him, and then they all fell to the ground.  Just before the two players fell to the ground, I saw the Italian player use his elbow to shove away Sua Rex.

Then they all rolled on the ground as if they were in deep agony. Players always do that, especially my favourite Sua Rex guy. Immediately, the two guys were up on their feet, with the Italian player complaining to the referee showing what looked like a bite on his shoulder.

Sometimes I do not believe my neighbour’s television because it is full of magic and lies. Why would this player claim that he was bitten by another – it’s a pure lie. The night after that game I struggled to fall asleep wondering how a player of international status would bite another player, or why a player would claim the other bit him.

I only fell asleep at around 4 am with a resolution that I should start engaging my teeth whenever I am under pressure, or when things do not go my way. The first target is the taxi drivers who think that they own our roads. When they misbehave, I will just wait for the taxi at the next stop, get inside, greet everyone politely and sit behind the driver. I know that they easily forget what they did a few minutes ago.  Hahaha…, the next thing the driver will get a serious bite from behind, and when he screams in panic I will remind him of his misdeeds.

 I warn you all that I am going to use a grinder to sharpen my teeth. My next stop will be some government offices where we the customers are always bombarded with this “system ya rona e down”.

 I swear, this coming Monday I am going to process my Omang, although it is only five years old and not lost. I am going to tell them that it is lost and I urgently need a replacement. Knowing who they are, it is easy to predict that one of them will say that I should come the following week because the system is down.  They will know who I am as I will bite any officer I lay my eyes on until my Omang is processed and I have it in my wallet. So watch out guys, Sua Rex is right here with you and ready to sort you out.