Nitty Gritty

Shebeen rules

Barolong Seboni | Friday March 21, 2014 14:17

Nobody ever tells you what they stand for, and you dare not ask for fear of revealing your ignorance.There are only three such abbreviations that I know and understand; OBE which is the Order of the British Empire, MBE which stands for Member of the British Empire, and FOOT NITS, which stands for Fellows of the Order of the Oblong Table at the Nitty Gritty Shebeen.

I am told that this Fellowship is awarded to regular patrons only, who have satisfied the following conditions:

 

  • Patron must have an above boiling point IQ, or at least be above average room temperature.
  • Patron’s IQ must be above the alcohol percentage volume of the strongest brandy or vodka.
  • Patron must be able to contribute to discussions without any signs of intellectual struggle.
  • Patron must be able to contribute to purchase of drinks without any signs of financial struggle.
  • Patrons are barred from having any romantic, and/or sexual relationships with the chief executive hostess and sole proprietor of the Shebeen Nitty Gritty, and/or anyone related to her by blood (especially her only daughter).
  • Patrons must pay their sekoloto on the 30th of each month to avoid embarrassment as they have never experienced, shall be visited upon them wherever they are and with whomever they may be at that material time. Financial embarrassment shall not, in and of itself, be an excuse.
  • Patrons shall treat all visitors and VIPs with the utmost respect and courtesy.
  • Patrons are not allowed to burn drinks off visitors and VIPs.
  • Patrons shall from time to time, as and when it is necessary, be called upon to throw out any such visitors whose behaviour is intolerable and does not befit the normal etiquette composure of people in a shebeen. Patrons shall also be called upon to kick out VIPs whose credentials and VIP status is suspect, and whose general behaviour, conduct is similar to that of Members of Parliament in the National Assembly.

 

Please note that patrons will not be paid in cash for these guard-like services; but will be subsidised by 50% on any drink of their choice. This is generally the going rate for services rendered in parliament and council chambers nationwide.

 

  • Sexist language and discrimination on the basis of gender shall not normally be tolerated except if it is in favour of women since our policy is to empower women in the shebeen-place.
  • Patrons are hereby informed that this is not a motel, hotel or inn, therefore no hanky panky of any nature form or kind shall be permitted in the toilets, rooms, vehicles or bushes in and around the premises.
  • The question; “what do you take?” does not enquire after your sexual preferences: Gays and lesbians are most welcome here and their rights will be protected by all patrons present and drinking.

 

 

  • Single women with long “human hair” , horse hair or wigs, mini skirts or platforms of various hue and shade are also welcome here as long as they do not utter or mention anyone or all of the following words or phrases:

 

 

  1. Buy me a drink!
  2. Buy me...
  3. Me nice!

 

  • Vomiting will not be tolerated. If you vomit, you clean up and then you are out!
  • Patrons who pass out here, do so at their own risk. Management is not answerable to your spouse or partner about your whereabouts the previous night. We will give the standard answer to all such questions: “he/she is usually here, but he/she does not live here!”
  • Children and pets are not allowed. They don’t have money so they can’t pay!