You are never alone in your loss

Dumi Mmualefe | Monday March 17, 2014 15:02

It is in death that we fully appreciate life. It is in life that we meet death.We all have our experiences of losing a loved one in one way or another. Each experience is as different as our finger prints are. They look so similar, so identical but in fact, to say their difference is chalk and cheese would be an understatement!

The good thing is we are never alone in our loss. There always people around us. In Setswana there are people who even leave the comfort of their homes to camp at the deceased’s home to keep them company and to assure them they are not in this alone.

 Traditionally when a woman loses a husband, other women who have gone through such a loss, come over for some days and stay with the newly widowed.

This is not to say they understand or feel what the newly widowed feels because what she feels is peculiar to her situation. But they, in some sense have some understanding of what it means, how it feels although differently with each person’s peculiarity.

These women converge to the deceased’s house to offer not only consolation but mainly hope; hope that this difficult moment can be overcome, that this hurt, this confusion, this anger can be survived. These women represent the survivors.

They are survival personified. They are there to laugh at death to its face and tell death; “You do not have the final word!” They come as a living testimony that death can and will be conquered.

Men on the other hand would sit around the fire which is made the moment the sad news of one’s demise is announced. In Setswana we say of it “when death is broken.” The latter is pregnant with meaning. Death is not intact; its announcement is tantamount to it being broken.

That which breaks is not to be feared. Back to the fire: Fire represents vitality, fire is a life force. When matter is heated, there comes a change of energy, a change to vitality, to live. At the introduction of the fire, a still sleepy substance springs to life, there comes movement; they call it kinetic energy. Energy itself points to vitality; it is that which brings about the definition of life or being alive.

To Batswana, fire represents life. It is on the same fire that we cook our meals; meals that give us life. It is around the fire that we learn botho.

Traditionally people sit around the fire in the evenings where the people’s tales or folk tales and riddles are told. This is a place of instruction where children learn the value of life.

Around the fire, stories of life, death, wisdom, suffering, pain, persistence, resistance, perseverance, of courage and victory, stories of beyond the grave are told. It is around the fire that children were prepared for the vicissitudes of life.

The fireplace is a place people come together to share the joys and pains after a long day. This is a place of sharing and caring, where meals are shared in common, this is the place of communitas where we learn that Motho ke motho ka batho: where we learn the reality imbedded in the adage that points us to the philosophical religious reality that “I relate therefore, I am!” Is this what is denoted in what Jesus the Christ classified as the first and second most important commandments, that of loving God with our everything, and loving our neighbours as ourselves?

This is the significance of the fire. Traditionally fire must be alive day in and day out at the village’s cathedral; the Kgotla. Each morning this fire must be made, it signifies that the community is alive. Being alive is not just about the ability to breath or to have one’s heart beat in the rib-cage. It is about relationships, it is about sharing each other’s burdens. Fire signifies hope; hope even beyond the grave. It is a declaration that beyond our present hurts, there is happiness, that these dark clouds will not forever conquer the skies.

Hurt can blind one from the magnanimity around them. Open your eyes and allow yourself to be embraced by the soothing hands and souls around you. These are souls that have neither silver nor gold, but those that are there to say to you, “Rise up in the name of the Lord!” in their silent whispers they bide you, “rise up, be strong, for the Lord is with you.” Their presence is a healing presence, a balm, and they are wounded healers; they have been hurt, they are overcomers and so are you.

Loss makes us angry and confused, but these should not overcome us. Anger, confusion, helplessness, feeling alone, are to be expected but they should not hold us down. Often we are overcome by grief and it happens because we refuse to let go. Is it not funny in a hurting way that we often always find it difficult to let go of what we do not possess. We struggle and even refuse to let go of a loved one who has jilted us. At that time you do not have him or her, yet you want to hold on to what you do not have.

 It is the same with losing one in death; they are not there, at least in this before-the-grave life. Difficult as it sounds, s/he is gone, you have to let go for you do not have him/her now.

Finally, you do not need to pretend you are not confused or angry, take your anger, your confusion, and all those problems to God in prayer. Speak to God in your anger and confusion. God knows it all; do not think it will be unchristian to express you anger, doubt and confusion to God, do not pretend, God knows you best! To God be the glory!