The ministry of morals and ethics against sexuality
Barolong Seboni | Friday March 14, 2014 15:50
Where as in Bots we are still arguing amongst each other which way to go and whether or not we should allow gays to be gay and lesbians to be friends, other countries like Uganda have put in place laws that are tougher than Robben Island! In a bid to try and understand the thinking behind these laws and acts of parliament recently approved by their president, we got in touch with the Minister of Morals and Ethics against Something Sexual (MESS). This interview has not been easy, my dear reader, with whom I’m always frank and honest. I had to submit my questionnaire about five times before I could get anywhere near approval of the interview.
The document was sent back because I had to delete certain words. Since you are my faithful readers, and since I myself have very little to hide even when I am naked, I can list the words, right here and now, that I had to either delete of change altogether. Since the list is very long I thought it best to go ahead with the interview and will simply draw your attention to the words and phrases that were deemed offensive or inappropriate by Minister of Morals and Ethics against Something Sexual, otherwise known as Minister of MESS.
ME: Thank you so much minister for granting me this important interview. I am calling you from Botswana so I don’t immediately know if you are a man or a woman.
MESS: Well, thank you too. I am in Uganda and I am the minister and I don’t immediately know whether that’s a question or a statement.
ME: It’s a question.
MESS: What’s the question?
ME: Are you a man or a woman?
MESS: Are you asking me about my sex or my gender?
ME: I want to know your sex.
MESS: I told you in answer to your questionnaire that you cannot ask me about sex! Didn’t I say that you cannot discuss sex?
ME: But I’m not discussing sex per se… I just want to know your sex.
MESS: I can see that you want to pester me about sex, my sex, as you prefer to call it. You are a pest, and I want to tell you here and now that we have very stringent laws against sex pests!
ME: But Sir…
MESS: How do you expect me as the very minister responsible for ethics and morals against sex matters to discuss my sex in public!? How do I do that?
ME: Well, I will apologise and rephrase the question. What is your gender?
MESS: Is gender at issue here? If it is then I would have to refer your question to the Department of Gender Issues, and for that you will need to send the appropriate questionnaire.
ME: Ok, let’s not go there then. Let me just simply say that from your voice it’s hard for me to tell if you’re a man or a woman.
MESS: I’m sure you have been following the news and can tell from my upright and very erect position or stand on the issues at hand that I am a man.
ME: Actually Sir, don’t you find that these laws against homosexuals are very harsh?
MESS: I told you before that you must not use that word that starts with an “H’’ . There’s nothing like that in the nature of humans so we have banned the word completely!
ME: What about gays? What if I refer to them as gays? Is that better?
MESS: There’s nothing “gay” about what these people are doing, so we have also banned that word.
ME: Hee banna!
MESS: What’s so gay about men running around like women? What’s so gay about a man marrying another man? What’s so gay about a man doing it with another man?
ME: Heish, I can see you have taken a hard line attitude.
MESS: I am a minister, a leader of men and women. I am also a man, and as a man and a leader of men, you have to lead by example.
ME: Meaning?
MESS: You have to be firm…
ME: Is it hard to be firm?
MESS: You have to be hard and firm when you are dealing with these people… You cannot afford to be soft. If you are soft then you are not a man, you are not a leader of other men!
ME: What about women?
MESS: As far as we know, women prefer men who are hard and firm! That’s what we are saying with these new laws. Like our president was saying the other day, how can a man want to marry another man when our beautiful country has all these pretty women? It is a big, big insult to our women this thing that these so-called men want to do.
ME: I think you misunderstood me, sir. I meant what about women who want to marry other women? What about lesbians?
MESS: That is a little bit tricky. We don’t have that word in our African languages and culture. But if women want to marry other women we can say it’s okay, as long as they sleep with men. That’s what the Bible says. It’s the word of the Lord
ME: But in your outlawing of homosexuality are you not afraid of the international backlash?
MESS: If you are a good, moral, responsible and ethical leadership you will not be worried about international backlash. After all they introduced all this confusion in Africa and when they want our men to be their women, and we say no, then they threaten to withdraw foreign aid.
ME: So what will you do?
MESS: We will forge ahead our laws and our African culture. We are not prostitutes. We will not sell our morals for sexual pleasing of the Whites. Our goal and vision is to be a moral nation.
This aid of theirs is foreign anyway, so they can keep their homosexuals and we will keep our women!
ME: Shee! We also have that vision in Botswana about a moral and tolerant nation! It’s called vision 2016.
MESS: Then you must target gays, homosexuals and lesbians and foreigners in prisons!
ME: Ijaa, I think we’ve started doing that…
MESS: Then you’re in the right direction. Welcome to morality and ethics against sexual something- welcome to the MESS!